Can you imagine if Homer Simpson smoked weed?

Does Homer smoke weed? No? Well, what if he did? can you imagine what it would be like? Thank you.

PSYCHIATRIST: and how does it make you feel that Homer Simpson smoke weed?
ME: well, he doesn't. but i often imagine if he did.

ME: Homer, would you smoke this weed with me?
HOMER: Well, I never have... But I know you've often thought about it.

ESTRAGON: He wouldn't.
VLADIMIR: He could.
ESTRAGON: Homer... smoke weed?
VLADIMIR: He might.
ESTRAGON: But why?
VLADIMIR: Why not?

BUSH: And then what if Homer puffed it? Like this [pantomimes puffing joint]
CHENEY: [laughing] Bush you are insane
BUSH: It could happen.

MORRIS: [frankly] Did Homer Simpson smoke weed?
RUMSFELD: [long pause, then a sad grin] I don't know
MORRIS: You don't--
RUMSFELD: I do not.

MCDONALDS: Can i take your order sir
ME: marijuana simpson?
MCDONALDS: excuse me?
ME: sorry. was thinking about ho0mer smoke weed
MCD: o ok

Next up we have [emcee squints and does a quadruple take] m-m-m-m [another quadruple take, eyes widen] Marijuana Simpson?!

SETHROGEN: BUhhh i mean f*cking... what if though? Homer simpson hiting a blunt, why not

LETTERMAN: [stares blankly into audience]

What if Duff Beer was called Puff, and instead of being beer it was weed, and Homer smoked it in a joint with his friends Moe and Bart

BART is rolling a joint
HOMER enters
BART: Oh, hey. Was just about to toke
HOMER: OK. Let's do this then.
BART: Light it up, then.
HOMER: ok

HOMER: This is some good herb
BART: I got it from my friend Moe
HOMER: Moe the bartender?
BART: He's also a weed dealer.
HOMER: Ah. Hit this

BART: Pretty stoned
HOMER: ME as well
BART: Moe as the good stuff
HOMER: It get's me blazed
BART: How come you never showed me how to skate?

HOMER: You were always toking on Moe's herb.
BART: Of course
HOMER: I'm still your father.
BART: I think it's cool you smoke green with me.

BART: Have you ever toked out and played videogames?
HOMER: Ah, [hitting joint] I'm older than most. It's beyond me.
BART: I'll teach you.

HOMER: I'm not sure.
BART: Why? It's easy, father.
HOMER: I feel as if I should tend to my various responsibilities.
BART: I understand.

MAGGIE enters room
MAGGIE: Can I get in on this?
HOMER: [holding in smoke] Come hit this.
BART: Come and toke, sis.

MAGGIE: This is some good shit.
BART: It's from Afghanistan.
MAGGIE: I'm worried about the war there.
HOMER: Oh, shut up. Hit this.

BART: You're too conscientious, Mags.
HOMER: Agreed.
MAGGIE: I like to smoke weed too. But I am also a dialectic thinker

HOMER: [eyes widen] You MUST be kidding me.
MAGGIE: I know, [coughs] it sounds silly.
BART: I only care about blazing and enjoying myself.

HOMER: Here's to that [he produces a large blunt]
BART: You had that the whole time?
MAGGIE: It's from his personal stash.
HOMER: Yep.

MARGE enters
MARGE: What goes on here? You smokin' with out me?
HOMER: Oh, shit. Sorry. Hit this spliff, then, if you want.
BART: Hey ma.

MAGGIE: It's good that we can smoke tons of weed as a family
BART: Hear, hear
HOMER: It's strange but enjoyable.

WIGGUM enters
WIGGUM: What goes on here? Smoking without me?
HOMER: [holding in smoke] [points at Marge] She just said the same thing.

WIGGUM: Gosh, I haven't smoked in ages.
BART: What's that mean? Since this morning?
[the family laughs]
WIGGUM: Come on now. Lemme hit it.

WIGGUM: [hits Homer's blunt] This is the good stuff.
HOMER: [satisfied] You know it.
BART: Would you expect any less from my father?

MAGGIE: [visibly stoned] I'm becoming more concerned about the war in Afghanistan.
MARGE: Oh come off it, you wet blanket! Shut your mouth!

MAGGIE: I'm serious.
HOMER: We know... That's your problem. You're TOO serious.
BART: She spends too much time in her own head.

MAGGIE: I'm comfortable in my own head.
HOMER: That's what the weed is for.
[everybody except Maggie laughs.]
BART: Good one, Dad.

HOMER: Forget about Maggie. Is anybody here NOT stoned? And where the hell is my other son?
BART: Ken was at the bowling alley, last I heard

KEN enters
KEN: You bastards talking shit?
BART: God, Ken. You are too brash. Calm down.
LISA: Hi, Ken. We were toking just now.

MARGE: [to HOMER] Lisa is the only one who can communicate with Ken. He shuts the rest of us out of his life.
HOMER: He has problems.

HOMER: [to Marge] Marijuana helps him open up.
MARGE: "Marijuana?" Homer, you are such a square!
HOMER: A square with a big fat blunt.

MARGE: Speaking of, let me hit that?
HOMER: I don't have it.
MARGE: What... Who has the blunt?
WIGGUM: I have it.
MARGE: Pass it here.

MOE enters.
MOE: What the hell? No one told me about this smoke sesh.
BART: It's getting crowded in my room. We should go.
HOMER: Go where?

MAGGIE: Why not let's go to the gazebo?
BART: "Why not let's?" Somebody's high.
MAGGIE: Read a book sometime, moron.
BART: No thanks.

IN THE GAZEBO:
MOE: Great. Hopefully the cops don't come by.
BART: Oh shut up, and hit this fat blunt before I change my mind.
MOE: Spicy!

HOMER: The cops can't see us back here anyway. That's why I call it the "Herb Fortress."
MAGGIE: Nice name.
BART: Don't be a smart ass, Mags

MOE: God damn! This is some good shit!
BART: It's your own weed, doofus!
HOMER: Actually I got that weed from Apu, the man from the store.

APU enters
APU: What's going on. Smoking without me?
HOMER: Apu, hi. We were just talking about you. Well... your weed at least.
APU: Nice.

MOE: You moving in on my territory, Apu?
[tense silence among the group]
MOE: I'm only screwing around. We're friends
HOMER: Phew...

BART: I can safely say that I'm high as hell. Now if only we had some snacks.
APU: Well guess what. I work at the store, and I have snacks.

KEN: I'm sick of this fucking gazebo.
MARGE: Language!
HOMER: What's your problem, Ken?
MAGGIE: Calm down, Ken. It's OK
BART: Shut up, Ken.

HOMER: I don't understand how I have two great kids and one awful one.
MARGE: Homer! Not nice!
MAGGIE: Be fair, dad.
BART: He's right.

BART: Ken is a nuisance.
KEN: Guys, I can hear you.
HOMER: We know, Ken. You need to hear this. Put the blunt down. You're done for today.

MAGGIE: Can we lay off Ken now? He's been through a lot. Let's just toke and relax.
MOE: Cheers to that.
WIGGUM: Amen.

APU: I came here to smoke out in a gazebo, not to get the willies from some nasty family drama.
BART: Yeah, I'm freaking out. Pass the rock.

HOMER: Could you please leave, Ken?
MAGGIE: Dad!
HOMER: I'm the father.
MARGE: You're also bogarting that blunt. Pass that shit.

APU: You guys remind me of my family. Always fighting.
HOMER: The weed helps.
WIGGUM: [exhaling huge hit] Obviously not.

FLANDERS: Can I hit that dope?
MAGGIE: Who calls it "dope?"
FLANDERS: I just did, you little snot. Now shut your mouth and pass that shit.

MARGE: You can't talk to my children like that, Flanders.
HOMER: OUR children.
MARGE: ... That was implied. Sheesh, how stoned are you?

HOMER: This fatty is almost gone. Who has more bud?
APU: I don't carry that shit with me.
MOE: Don't look at me... for both our sakes

HOMER: Son?
BART: That was the last of mine, father. I didn't think there would be so many people smoking it.
FLANDERS: I only got one hit.

MAGGIE: Who cares, Flanders? It's not like you ever pay for it.
FLANDERS: Yet I put up with your trumpet playing at all hours of the night.

MAGGIE: Shut up.
HOMER: Folks, let's just calm down. Stoners like us are supposed to be docile, remember?
MARGE: My husband is right. Chill.

BART: I'm not going to be able to relax until I have more god damn green to toke.
MARGE: Language, Bart! Language!
BART: Sorry.

HOMER: Apu, can we swing by your place?
APU: I don't keep my shit at my place.
HOMER: Where then?
APU: It's at the honeycomb hideout.

HOMER: Well let's go to the damn hideout, then!
APU: You need to chill.
MAGGIE: Dad!
MARGE: Homer, calm yourself.
BART: I want to smoke.

WIGGUM: I come all the way over here to smoke and you losers have almost no weed? I'm out.
APU: Me too.
MOE: This is lame.

Bartswanna

HOMER: Now we're left alone in the gazebo with our family problems.
BART: I can't deal with this right now. I'm going to go listen to music.

MAGGIE: This is pathetic.
HOMER: Oh, shut up.
MAGGIE: You're all a bunch of drug addicts.
MARGE: Like you didn't just hit the blunt 5 times

MAGGIE: I smoke to release my latent creativity
HOMER: Well I smoke to get fucked up. And this is my gazebo.
MAGGIE: I'm out of here

MARGE: Well, now it's just me and you.
HOMER: Where did Ken go?
MARGE: Who cares?
HOMER: Good point.

MARGE: I have things to do. I'm going to go.
HOMER: Great. Just leave me out here... stoned and by myself.
MARGE: Bye, Homer.

[The sun is setting. Homer smacks a mosquito on his forearm]
HOMER: I had such high hopes for this afternoon.

HOMER: Smoking weed with my family is only a temporary solution to our problems. It seems to unite us, but it only makes us more distant.

HOMER: My daughter is a pedant, my sons are worthless. I have no friends. People only associate with me because they know I share my weed.

HOMER: We are apart even when we are together. The drugs only widen the gulf between us by creating the illusion of a bond.

HOMER: It has become a substitute for genuine love and connection. We're only a family when there is a blunt being passed among us.

HOMER: I know I need to do something. But I'm so high... so high. I think I'll just lie down for now. I'll remember this when I'm sober.

HOMER lies down on the gazebo bench. He tosses and turns at first before drifting comfortably off to sleep. The sun sets.

-END-

HOMER: Sonic, what gives? You've taken nearly 7 hits.
SONIC: [exhaling huge hit] My weed, my rules.
HOMER: Come on. Be fair.

HOMER: Your bad boy persona alienates you from your peers.
SONIC: I don't care. I need to be higher than everyone around me.
HOMER: Not good

HOMER: You don't care at all about others?
SONIC: You act like you're just realizing this.
HOMER: Maybe I'm just stoned. I don't know.

SONIC: I understand your concerns. I just don't care about them.
HOMER: I know you're selfish but why do you need to be so brash?

SONIC: [passes the blunt to Homer] Hit this shit and shut your mouth.
HOMER: [takes the blunt] Don't talk to me like that. It bothers me.

SONIC: You're getting blazed on my dime. I'll talk to you however I want.
HOMER: You didn't use to be like this. You changed.

HOMER: You use weed to make friends, but then you treat them poorly. It's hurtful behavior.
SONIC: [exhales huge hit in Homer's face]

HOMER: Why won't you take this seriously?
SONIC: Because you sound like a babbling stoned idiot. You're not making any sense.

HOMER: It's true that I get emotional when I'm high, but I really do feel this way, even sober.
SONIC: Give me the blunt. You're done.

HOMER: I called you out and now you're withholding weed. This is what I'm talking about.
SONIC: Be gone. Let me smoke in peace.

HOMER: You don't want me to leave.
SONIC: You know I'm a teenager, right? Do you know how weird this is?
HOMER: You're 19. Hardly a teenager

SONIC: Yeah. NineTEEN.
HOMER: I'd like to say you're mature for your age but that's not the case.
SONIC: [exhales huge hit] Whatever old man

HOMER: What made you like this?
SONIC: You know what.
HOMER: Your father's death? But you hated him.
SONIC: Can we change the subject?

HOMER: I just feel like I've lost a friend.
SONIC: I'm right here, asshole.
HOMER: You're there but you're not.
SONIC: And why are you here?

HOMER: Why can't we talk about your father.
SONIC: Drop it, Homer.
HOMER: No. I won't.
SONIC: Drop it or get out of my apartment.

i'm not sure if he ever has, but i think if he wanted to, homer simpson could probably smoke weed

do you think homer simpson could inhale the smoke from the burning marijuana deep into his lungs, then exhale, becoming intoxicated?

do you know if homer simpson has ever inhaled the smoke of the marijuana plant? i'm not sure. it would make him high pretty easily.

have you ever wondered if homer simpson could breathe in the acrid smoke of the green marijuana buds? i think it might get him pretty high.

GOKU: Why are you two fighting always? We can't just toke?
SONIC: He's bothering me.
HOMER: Sonic has unresolved issues.

i'm not sure if homer has ever taken a drag from the marijuana cigarette or a pipe, which would cause him to become high because of the THC.

is it really so hard to imagine homer simpson lighting the blunt, inhaling the smoke, and becoming high?

MARGE: You smell that? Weed?
HOMER: Bart might be smoking in his bedroom. I sometimes wonder if I am capable of smoking weed.

BART: I smoke weed all the time.
MAGGIE: I smoke weed sometimes.
HOMER: I'm thinking about smoking weed all fucking day.

MARGE: I enjoy a good toke.
BART: I never stop smoking.
LISA: I smoke weed at the appropriate time.
HOMER: I'm addicted to weed.

it's hard for me to imagine a world in which it would be unthinkable for homer simpson to responsibly and moderately enjoy smoking marijuana

Homer Simpson holds the flame of the lighter to the tip of the joint. As he puffs on the unlit end of the joint, he begins to feel stoned.

Homer continues to smoke the joint. Eventually, he experiences diminishing returns. He is as high as he can possibly be.

Homer Simpson is high on marijuana and thinking about his family.

I
think
it
isn't
unimaginable
that
Homer
Simpson
might
smoke
weed
at
some
point
in
the
future.

A: Do you think he could do it?
B: Homer? Smoke weed?
A: Yes.
B: I don't see why not.
A: I feel the same way.
B: It's totally possible!

I nervously extend the blunt to Homer.

"D-d-do you want to try some, sir?" I stammer.

"I don't see why not," he replies, taking the blunt

HOMER: I am a confident, well-to-do, middle aged man. There's nothing wrong with me enjoying some marijuana in moderation.

Homer losing sleep while images of Barney being 2 drunk 2 toke & dropping the joint on the floor flash by. What happened to his friend?

HOMER: I need to pick up some weed after work, do you need anything while I'm in town?
MARGE: Thanks but I don't think so.

FLANDERS: Weed helps me cope with my problems.
BART: I like weed because it makes me feel good.
MOE: I smoke weed to relax and reduce stress

LISA: Weed helps me be more creative.
MAGGIE: Smoking weed helps clear my mind.
HOMER: Smoking weed helps me love my family.

marijuana simpson

all you peeps DMing me & stuff demanding to "get peter involved" shouldn't evenbe reading this twitter because you obviously dont know shit

REPORTER: What do you like most about pot?
HOMER: When I smoke it, my body starts to change. I see things differently. My son is everything

TROPICAL MAN is holding the piece too long
HOMER: It's not a microphone.
BART: Don't park on the grass.

MIYAMOTO: -laughs- anything can happen
MIYAMOTO: -still laughing- I can definitely see us making that work
IWATA: Homer can do it -laughs-

HOMER rips on the bong and spews
SMITHERS: Problem, Mr. Simpson?
BURNS: Are you upset
HOMER: This is schwag

SMITHERS: e-excuse me sir?
BURNS: Do you know how much that cost?
HOMER: There's no crystals on it
SMITHERS examines the pot
SMITHERS: Sir?

BURNS: Yes, Smithers?
SMITHERS: There are no crystals on this sir
BURNS: This is ridiculous. Get Mayor Quimby on the phone

Just packed a fat bowl...I hope Homer Simpson doesn't come light it up, LOL. If he broke into my home I would nuke him. I want to kill Homer

what are the red things at the bottom of the dorios bag

MARGE: Tragedy has struck
HOMER: Why would they do this? Why would they attack us
BART: What's going on?
HOMER: The USA has been attacked

Shawn michaels hbk - aka shawn michaels homer burnin kindbud

BART: Why?
HOMER: We don't know
BART: What's going to happen
MARGE: A war is going to happen
BART: Am I safe?

Would Snoop Dogg Smoke Weed With Homer Simpson, If Given The Chance? Many Of My Friends Say Yes

HOMER: How low can you go
BART: To de flo
HOMER: How low can you go
BART: to the flo
HOMER: How low can you go
BART:To the flo
HOMER: How lo

LATER
HOMER: My son has been drafted
LENNY: Homer..
HOMER Takes a hit
HOMER: This is unreal
LENNY: He's so young
HOMER: He's going to Iraq

BART: I'm going to miss you guys
HOMER: How about one last blunt?
BART: Dad...I can't
HOMER: For old time's sake
BART: ...Let's do it

Homer smokes weed, in the past, present, and future.

HOMER: I'm going to miss this
BART: This treehouse is home to good memories
HOMER: I made sure to get good shit
BART: It's really good pot

HOMER: It's the Moe shit
BART: It's so sticky
[LONG SILENCE]
HOMER: Maybe Iraq has the good stuff?
BART: Yeah. Maybe.
HOMER: Yeah...

BART: I'm freaking out dad
HOMER: It's just pot man
BART: Not the pot. Dad, I'm scared
HOMER: Me too..but you're smart. It will be fine

BART: Why did they take over those planes? Why'd they ruin our peaceful life?
HOMER: They hate our freedom
BART: Why?
HOMER: It's complex

BART: It's time to go
HOMER: Son, I'm really proud of you
BART: Dad. I love you
HOMER: You'll always be my son
BART boards the bus

LISA: I'm wondering if we depend on herb too much as a family.
HOMER: [blows a massive hit in her face] You depend on my herb. Now be gone.

HOMER: My marriage is ruined. I can't look ken in the face without feeling rage. But this bud just keeps getting better.

marijuanasimpson

To imagine Homer
hitting a blunt
is easier for me
than breathing
or drinking
a glass
of cool water.

HOMER: [sobbing] I miss him. I miss him
MOE: Homer...
SONIC: Take care of business at home. Bart can take care of himself. Now hit this.

I can see it so clearly. Homer pulls out the bowl and clears the bong. The cool clear bong water churns wildly. He exhales and grins.

HOMER: So I just pull the thing out and inhale?
MOE: Yeah, make sure y--
HOMER: I'm joking. I know how to smoke a bong. Pass that shit.

MARGE: I miss our son
HOMER: Can I please just relax and blaze?
MARGE: I'm sorry
HOMER: You act like he's already dead. He's fine. Hit this.

MARGE: You're not worried about Bart in Iraq?
HOMER: Of course I am [exhales huge hit] That's why I'm smoking this kush.

HOMER: I don't agree with the war in Iraq. [exhales massive hit] I miss my son.

MOE: Christ... [exhales blunt hit] ...I never thought my son would be fighting in Iraq
HOMER: [hits blunt] Moe you don't even have a son.

APRIL is the cruMarijuana Simponellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the deaMarijuana Simpsonxing
Memory anMARIJUANASIMPSOnd desire, s

And I wilMARIJUANASIMEnoil show you something different froMarijuanaSImpson?m either Your shadow at morning str

MARGE: My son is not a killer.
HOMER: [hits the blunt] He'll be fine
MARGE: You're OK with this?
HOMER: What choice do I have? Now hit this.

HOMER: I haven't seen tropical man recently
CARL: we're all worried
SMITHERS: is he fighting for our freedom?

SCENE: IRAQ BASE
BART: there's no kush here. I'm dry as a bone
TROPICAL MAN: They only smoke hash here
BART: it's you!

TROPICAL MAN: they got me too
BART: Do you have hash?
TROPICAL MAN: I have a lot of hashish to smoke
BART: let's hit it

BART: This war has changed me a lot.
TROPICAL MAN: Yeah.
BART: But I still love to get high
TROPICAL MAN: Yeah.

LISA: Smoking AGAIN?
HOMER: I have a son in Iraq and my daughter is a devil
LISA: What?
HOMER: You're grounded from smoking weed.

SMITHERS leaves embarrassed
CARL What's wrong with him
LENNY: He's been burping all day
HOMER: He swallowed the hit

HOMER: I can't focus on this job
CARL: Maybe you should go home. Roll a J
HOMER: I need to earn for my family. What's left of it anyway

BURNS enters
BURNS: Simpson. We need to talk
HOMER: I'm sorry about my performance.
BURNS: It's about something else. Your pamphlets.

HOMER: I'm anti-war. My son is over there. I haven't heard from him
BURNS: You can't bring politics to the workplace
HOMER: This is crazy.

BURNS: The weed is one thing. We all love to toke. But you've gone too far
HOMER: You cant silence me.
BURNS: I can't. But I can cut you off

BURNS picks up phone
BURNS: Moe.
HOMER: Don't do this to me
BURNS: Cut him off.
HOMER: No.

BURNS: You dug your own grave
HOMER: No! My son!
BURNS: Your son is doing something noble
HOMER: The government made him their puppet

BURNS: You need to keep this out of my plant
HOMER: You need to keep your hands off of MY plant
BURNS: I'm afraid it can't be undone

HOMER: I'll find another dealer
BURNS: With shit as good as Moe's?
HOMER: ...
BURNS: Go ahead. Make my day.

[HOMER, IN RAIN, DISTRAUGHT]: This is fucked up.
[VAN PARKS NEAR HIM]
VOICE: I heard you need goods
HOMER: Who are you?
VOICE: Circus Bob

HOMER: Circus Bob?
CIRCUS BOB: Correct.
HOMER: What do you have for me
CIRCUS BOB: I'll show you
CIRCUS BOB REVEALS TRUNK OF GREEN, WEAPONS

HOMER: That's too much
CIRCUS BOB: Too much of a good thing?
HOMER: The saying is true
CIRCUS BOB: Fine. Have it your way™

[AT MOE'S]
HOMER: Moe.
MOE: Homer.
HOMER: You can't be okay with this.
MOE: I'm afraid I am
HOMER: but...
MOE: Money talks

HOMER: But you're my friend.
MOE: We were never friends. This was all business
HOMER: But we toked on it together
MOE: I did with many.

HOMER: You snake. You know what I'm going through
MOE: We all have problems, Homer.
HOMER: You knew Bart. You loved him
MOE: ...

HOMER: You came to my home. You ate dinner with my family.
MOE: You spent $40,000 on weed in the past 3 years.

MOE: ..I did but, these are War Times
HOMER: I'm against it
MOE: Don't you fucking see? We all are
HOMER: But my son
MOE: How many others?

[MOE turns away]
HOMER: Give your weed to me
MOE: I can't do that
HOMER: I need to smoke
[HOMER exits]

[Simpsons Residence]
HOMER: I'm home
MARGE: You have a visitor
HOMER: is someone visiting?
LISA: There's a visitor
HOMER: Who visits?

[CIRCUS BOB lounges on couch]
HOMER: Bob
CIRCUS BOB: How's my offer sounding?
HOMER: I can't afford it
[HOMER Packs final bowl]

[CIRCUS BOB glances out back window]
HOMER: What are you thinking
MARGE: It's obvious
KEN: We all know.
HOMER: ...
HOMER: No

CIRCUS BOB: They don't make them like that anymore
HOMER: That place is sacred
MARGE: Give him what he wants
HOMER: That gazebo is special

CIRCUS BOB: I just want access. 24/7
HOMER: My family lives here
CIRCUS BOB: I won't interfere
HOMER: We built that together [Takes hit]

[CIRCUS BOB reveals blunt]
MARGE: Homer...
LISA: look at it
HOMER: Is that....
CIRCUS BOB: Vintage White Grape Game cigar.
HOMER: How?

CIRCUS BOB: I have guys
HOMER: Can I see it
[CIRCUS BOB hands over blunt]
HOMER: [inhales sharply] Bob
CIRCUS BOB: Yes?
HOMER: This is mids.

CIRCUS BOB, SCOWLING: You think I'd bring the good shit here? To this slum?
MARGE: We're in debt
HOMER: Show me your kush

CIRCUS BOB: Let's take this to the Gazebo. I'd love to see inside
HOMER: Fine. But my son loves that Gazebo

[SCENE: GAZEBO]
HOMER: This..
CIRCUS BOB: Iraqi Hash
HOMER: How did you..
CIRCUS BOB: I have a man in their base
HOMER: My son is there

CIRCUS BOB: Your son is doing fine. I know all about him.
HOMER: Is he safe?
CIRCUS BOB: He's hitting the bong as we speak
HOMER: Thank god

HOMER: And Tropical Man?
CIRCUS BOB: MIA. Two weeks.
HOMER: My god...
CIRCUS BOB: Let's get to business
HOMER: Bob...I need to see my son

CIRCUS BOB: Full access, Homer.
HOMER: ....Will my family be fine?
CIRCUS BOB: Like they were my own
HOMER: I agree to the deal.

CIRCUS BOB: I can arrange your goals to be met
HOMER: We need to do something first
CIRCUS BOB: I packed it already
HOMER: Let me get greens

CIRCUS BOB: No. [TAKES MASSIVE HIT]
HOMER: ... This is shady
CIRCUS BOB: Take your hit
HOMER: It's kicked
CIRCUS BOB: What?
HOMER: It's beat

CIRCUS BOB: I don't...
HOMER: What do you say? The weed is burnt.
CIRCUS BOB: Cashed?
HOMER: Okay. it's Cashed
CIRCUS BOB: Kicked? Why?

HOMER: It's just what we say here
CIRCUS BOB: I always said cashed
HOMER: My father said beat. But I say kicked
KEN: I say kicked too

CIRCUS BOB: That's weird
HOMER: Can you repack this fucking shit? I need to smoke
CIRCUS BOB: It's packed
HOMER: Thanks

CIRCUS BOB: You'll leave for Iraq tomorrow
HOMER: I'm doing this for my son
CIRCUS BOB: I know. [Exhales]

LINDA: I'm worried about my father. He provides for us but he spends all his time upgrading his weed accessories and buying more weed.

LISA: It's important for a father to bring home big sacks of weed for his family to smoke.
MARGE: [exhales huge bong hit] Hear fucking hear

BART: I'm scared being over here. I miss the comforts of home and chiefing with my father and sister.
MIKE: I don't smoke but I'm terrified.

LISA: Do you think our brother will ever come home?
MAGGIE: There's no way of knowing
LISA: All I want is to chief with him.

CARL: I'm worried about the Simpson family
MOE: That boy belongs in Iraq
CARL: Moe...
MOE: I don't care.
CARL: He's only 19
MOE: Fuck you

FLANDERS: Are the Simpsons okay?
HOLY MAN: All of gods children make of out okay
FLANDERS: This shit is serious. Can you shut the fuck up?

LENNY: Homer hasn't posted on grass city for days
BARNEY: He's not out and about
APU: Homer has his own plans

SERGEANT: Get on the fucking floor, Simpson.
BART: I'm a normal comfortable American boy. I'm not a warrior.
SERGEANT: On the fucking floor.

SMITHERS: I think you pushed Homer too far
BURNS: I made the wrong choice. We're all concerned for homer
SMITHERS: Its not a microphone

SERGEANT: You've been a piece of stoner shit on the heel of my boot since day 1.
BART: At home I make all of my friends laugh. I'm loved

HOMER: Can we smoke on this plane?
CIRCUS BOB: What? After the attacks? Not anymore.
HOMER: What have they done to us...

MAGGIE: I don't believe in this war
LISA: Please pass the J
MAGGIE: Our brother is brave and our ancestors would be proud
LISA: Don't bogart

SERGEANT: Don't worry about al Qaeda. I'm your new worst enemy
[he exits]
BART: I want to be smoking weed in my living room with my family

HOMER: The security guards didn't find my blunt wraps
CIRCUS BOB: They don't know what it is. They only smoke hash
HOMER: Fucking animals

BART: At home I am loved and adored. In this strange country I am treated like a dog and denied my humanity. My identity is disintegrating.

BART: I took my family and the comforts of home for granted. Now I am at the nadir of my brief life. I long for the comfort of marijuana

BART: I try to fit in but I am not made for war. I am a peaceful stoner boy. How I miss my father. How I miss my bubblers and chillums.

BART: I feel naive to have been so complacent and serene back home. But how could I know that I would soon be asked to kill a human being?

BART: Last night I awoke from a dream, trying to grab a passed blunt that wasn't really there. I feel this emptiness at all times.

BART: I am no longer a peaceful and gregarious weed smoker. I am an attack dog of the imperialist state. My only function is to kill.

BART: I need to learn to suppress my emotions, my longings for home. The only way for me to survive is to accept that I am a killer.

BART: I am a soldier now. There is now way out. There is no going home. There is no home. I will die in this desert.

MARGE: I made bbq'd lobster cheddar portabello caps, maple glazed asparagus, fresh quahogs...
LISA: Leave me alone
MARGE: You need to smoke

MARGE: I don't know where my husband's gone
MAGGIE: He's probably re-upping? We're dry.
MARGE: This family used to smoke an ounce per day

MAGGIE: You don't think it's problematic to gauge our family's success by marijuana consumption?
MARGE: [exhales huge blunt hit] Go to bed.

ABE: This medicinal grade sure is good shit. I really like it.
[inhales from vapor whip]
ABE: It eases my pain

[EXT. NIGHT
MOE knocks over a trash can on the Simpsons' front lawn. MARGE comes out in a bathrobe]
MARGE: Moe?
MOE: Where's your husband?

MARGE: You're drunk.
MOE: I'm drunk and I'm high.
MARGE: Go home, Moe.
MOE: I miss him so much.

MARGE: We don't know where he is.
MOE: Is he in trouble?
MARGE: Maybe. But if he is, I know he's doing it for our family.

MOE: He's such a good man.
MARGE: [smiling] He is... he is.
MOE: I can't drive like this.
MARGE: Come have a toke. I'll wake the kids.

MARGE: Sorry, all we have is spice from the gas station.
MOE: I don't smoke that crap.
MARGE: Too good for spice, are we?

MOE: I'm sorry about Bart.
MARGE: What about him?
MOE: You know... The whole Iraq thing.
MARGE: Bart will be fine. He's a survivor.

CIRCUS BOB: My guy will let us in the base tonight. We'll wait on this hill
HOMER: Let's smoke some more
CIRCUS BOB: Way ahead of you

HOMER: [exhales] I can see the whole facility
CIRCUS BOB: It's where I deal
HOMER: What are they doing to my son

HOMER: I've been letting my kid smoke weed since third grade. But was it right? He's too soft. He's not ready for this. I'm not either.

HOMER: I've been chiefing it since the 70s. I smoked to escape my parents fighting. Now I'm just as shitty as my old man.

HOMER: I fucked up.

CIRCUS BOB: Homer. Your son might not be the same when you see him
HOMER: I need to touch my kid
CIRCUS BOB: It might be difficult

HOMER: So what if he's different? I know when I pass him the piece that he's gonna be the same old Bart
CIRCUS BOB: They changed him

HOMER: Repack. We've bonded over the pipe for years, and you're telling me he won't enjoy it?
CIRCUS BOB: We don't know yet

HOMER: Do you think any acts of terror or weapons of mass destruction could stifle my boy's love for chronic?
CIRCUS BOB: I don't know him

HOMER: Well I do. We all do. Bart made us all laugh.
CIRCUS BOB: Tender Bart
HOMER: I love my fucking son

SONIC: You sell to me now.
MOE: I sell to anyone with money
SONIC: You only sell to me.
MOE: And if I don't?
SONIC: I'll fuck you up

MOE: I have people
SONIC: You don't seem to know who I am. Your people were mine before you were born
MOE: You're a kid
SONIC: I'll kill you

MAGGIE: I feel a terrible anxiety. I think something terrible is going to happen soon.
LISA: Hit this spice
MAGGIE: We're smoking spice now?

LISA: This used to be a great family.
MARGE: It still is, honey.
LISA: My brother is in Iraq. Dad's gone. We used to smoke an ounce a day.

MARGE: You need to trust your father. He always gets us through the tough times. You know this.
LISA: What if he's in over his head?

MARGE: Maybe he's in over his head. But we'll still have a roof over ours. Believe it.
LISA: He's a great man, isn't he?
MARGE: He is.

CIRCUS BOB: My man is coming
HOMER: I'm nervous
CIRCUS BOB: Chill. Keep toking it. He smokes too

CONTACT: You guys can come down. don't even worry. I'm friends with Mike.
CIRCUS BOB: Mike's a good guy
CONTACT: Mike saved my ass

[HOMER and CIRCUS BOB descend into camp]
HOMER: My son. Where is he
CONTACT: Ask Mike
HOMER: Mike? Where is he
MIKE: He's in the rec room

[In rec room]
HOMER: ...
CIRCUS BOB: Homer...
HOMER: This isn't my son

[A grotesque, muscular caricature of Bart is hanging out with a couple of jugheads, shooting the shit and drinking Millers]

HOMER: I don't even recognize him without a bong in his hand
MIKE: He hasn't noticed us yet
CIRCUS BOB: The kid's wasted

HOMER: Son.
BART, surprised: Father? What the fuck? Why are...how?
HOMER: What the fuck did they do to you..I'm going to cry.

MIKE: Get this guy some herb
BART: I don't want that shit around me
HOMER: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?
BART: You heard me father

BART: I'm a grown ass man. I'm here. Fighting for my-for YOUR fucking life. I can't sit around all day smoking kush. Not anymore.

BART: I need clarity of mind, high reaction time, if I'm lifted out there, when it's either me or some terrorist, I'm a fucking goner.

BART: This is for you, father. This is for our family. I think of you guys every time I turn down the hashish pipe.

BART: I know you're anti-war. I was too. But this is what I have to be. I'm here for a reason. I met their demands. Now meet mine and leave.

HOMER: I came here for you
BART: Why? So you could get me high and show me SNL Web Shorts?
HOMER: You love lasercats.
BART: I love America

HOMER: I want out. I was doing this for my son. That man is not my son.
BOB: Out? There is no out. You're in until we move these bricks

HOMER: Let me call my wife
BOB: Why don't you pray instead?
HOMER: You're a monster
BOB: I'm an entrepreneur
HOMER: My son
BOB: I don't care

HOMER: [aside] What have I done? I'm in Iraq. My son is a mindless killing machine. My life is so fucked up.
BOB: What?
HOMER: Nothing.

LISA: It's been weeks. Where is father?
MARGE: I don't know... I dont know.
LISA: We're running low on spice. Soon we'll be smoking salvia.

MARGE: He will provide for us.
LISA: What if he left the family?
MARGE: You're out of kush for 3 weeks and you lose faith in your father?

HOMER: Bart... talk to me, son. Why did you change?
BART: Do you want to know what I do for fun now, father? I shoot dogs in the street.

HOMER: You used to be a peaceful boy.
BART: Now I am a man of war.
HOMER: You're a ghost.
BART: Go smoke your pot you pathetic addict

HOMER: You've lost faith in yourself, boy. You've lost faith in humanity.
BART: I've lost faith in my depraved weed smoking father

HOMER: You were going to teach me how to game
BART: Don't even.
HOMER: You were going to teach me Project Gotham Racing 4

BART: You have time for that now? I have blood on my hands, father. I can't go back to that life.
HOMER: We want to make you whole again

HOMER: Come home, Bart. Toke with me, Maggie, Lisa, Ken. We'll be waiting for you with a freshly packed bowl.
BART: Al Qaeda would love that

HOMER: These soldiers...they aren't your friends.
BART: You're right. They're my family.
HOMER: I'm your family.
BART: You're a drug addict.

HOMER: Weed isn't addictive.
BART: That's why the whole family is blazed 24/7?
HOMER: I provide for that family.
BART: You're a pusher

HOMER: They smoke weed because they choose to. I don't force anyone to toke.
BART: You use weed to make people love you.
HOMER: Stop it.

BART: You deny it?
HOMER: You have it backwards. I provide dank kush because I love my family.
BART: You're fucking delusional, Homer.

LISA: I miss the golden days when we had piles of fluffy dro to blaze
MAGGIE: Our family is engulfed by darkness.

LISA: There is a shadow over the Simpson household.
MAGGIE: Where is father? Where is brother?
LISA: I don't want to smoke this salvia.

MAGGIE: We have to. I need to smoke.
LISA: Are we drug addicts?
MAGGIE: We're recreational smokers.
LISA: What has our father done to us?

MAGGIE: He provided for us.
LISA: Past tense? Do you think he's gone?
MAGGIE: Shut up and hit this fucking salvia blunt. Let's blaze

LISA: [exhales] I hate it. The world is getting darker.
MAGGIE: I feel like I'm in a nightmare
LISA: I want to die.

MAGGIE: This salvia trip is a far cry from the luxurious purp we used to smoke daily.
LISA: The walls are closing in.
MAGGIE: I miss Bart.

MARGE: [looking out of kitchen window] Where is my husband? I feel that I should go to the police.

MARGE: As the last remnant of THC leaves my system, the graveness of our family's situation occurs to me. How was I so naive?

HOMER: Bart... Think about when you took that first hit of purp. Don't you miss it?
BART: I get the same high from killing.
HOMER: No...

BART: Some of the guys here can't handle it. It comes naturally to me. I was born to kill.
HOMER: You were born to smoke.

HOMER: You ghosted it on your first hit. You're a natural weed smoker. All the Simpsons are.
BART: Maybe that's true. But I'm a soldier now.

MOE: There is a darkness over the Simpson household.
LENNY: The father and the son have disappeared.
CARL: We pray for their safe return.

MOE: The weed smoke dissipates to reveal a broken family.
LENNY: The wife despairs.
CARL: The children smoke stale salvia.

ABE: Today my Social Security check arrived. Homer is always here for a handout.
LEO: Could have forgotten.
ABE: My son despises me.

[at the bank]
ABE: Have a nice day
[FLANDERS enters]
FLANDERS: Hey man have you seen Homer? Springfield is dry as a bone

ABE: No. I am afraid
FLANDERS: We can pray
ABE: Oh yeah
FLANDERS: Pray this roach will get us high [sparks up]
ABE: We can't do that here

BART: [aside] My father pleads for my return. It hurts me to mistreat him, but I cannot bring my darkness back to that peaceful household.

BART: I kill for my country. But why should I serve a country that asks me to kill? It doesn't matter. I cannot take back what I have done.

BART: All I can do now is spare my family. If I return to Springfield a wave of misery will tear apart my family. This suffering is mine.

BART: I am physically and mentally scarred. I seem tough, but inside I still long for a home I know I can never return to.

BART: Perhaps in heaven, if such a thing exists, these memories and crimes would be washed away and I could rejoin my peaceful family.

BART: Heaven... Heaven. I don't think I am bound for that place. For me it will be hell or darkness.
CIRCUS BOB: Hash? Got hash, oil, dabs,

HOMER: My son is gone. He is dead. He is alive but he is dead.
CIRCUS BOB: I need to move these bricks of hash by Tuesday. Let's go

MARGE: That's the last time I saw him.
WIGGUM: Marge, Homer was seen with Bob... An international drug dealer with ties to Al Qaeda.

MARGE: He's involved with Al Qaeda?
WIGGUM: We have no reason to believe that
MARGE: My God
WIGGUM: Calm down
MARGE: Oh God
WIGGUM: Hit this

HOMER: I moved your hash, now I want to go home.
BOB: We have a flight out of Baghdad tomorrow morning. But first I need to see a friend.

HOMER: Can I say goodbye to my son?
BOB: There's no time.
HOMER: Bob, please.
BOB: [lifts shirt, revealing 9mm tucked into waistband]

HOMER: This was a mistake.
BOB: It was your mistake. You have to deal with the consequences.
HOMER: I should have never come to Iraq

MARGE: My Homer wouldn't get involved with terrorism. He loves his country.
WIGGUM: Ma'am, he loves getting high. There's a difference.

SONIC: So this is all mine now?
BURNS: yes sonic
SONIC: Even the spliff?
BURNS: the facility and all its contents are yours

SONIC: I used to create problems with my friends
BURNS: You upset them
SONIC: Now I create jobs for America
BURNS: Show them who's #1

[LENNY and CARL, aside]: The war is fought on both fronts. In the battlefield and at our home economy
BARNEY: Im tripping on this nutmeg

LISA: I can't keep tripping face on this sal. I need an ounce of schwag or something.
BENDER: I got the shittiest brick in town

LISA: my dad gave me fluffy stuff
BENDER: Your old man? Your old man is selling to the other side.
LISA: homer doesn't deal

MARGE: What has my husband gotten involved in? The police say he may be in Iraq. To save our son from war? Or worse?

LISA: Do you remember the times we spent in this gazebo?
MAGGIE: Our father built it.
LISA: We filled it with weed smoke daily.

MAGGIE: He's gone now.
LISA: He will return.
MAGGIE: You believe that?
LISA: We will hotbox this gazebo again.

MAGGIE: You have faith in him.
LISA: He was faithful.
MAGGIE: Through marijuana he found Christ.
LISA: And so did we.

LISA: And how does our brother fare?
MAGGIE: I fear he may be lost
LISA: In the desert of Iraq?
MAGGIE: The deserts of violence and alcohol

HOMER: I was a good father. I shouldn't be in Iraq
BOB: A good father doesn't sell hash in Iraq
HOMER: But... my son
BOB: You're a joke.

MARGE: Maggie, Lisa, Ken. I have news about father.
CHILDREN: Please, please.
MARGE: He's in Iraq. He went after Bart. He's in big trouble.

MAGGIE: Why?
MARGE: He's with a drug dealer who may be involved with Al Qaeda.
LISA: Did he help Bart?
MARGE: I don't think so.

MAGGIE: Bart made a promise to his country.
LISA: Can it with the patriotic stuff, Mags.
MARGE: I thought you were against the war.

MAGGIE: Some wars are necessary.
LISA: Not this one.
MARGE: That's enough.
LISA: It will never be enough.
MAGGIE: Bart is brave.

LISA: He didn't want to fight. He just wanted to blaze and chill.
MAGGIE: He's fighting for our right to blaze and chill.

LISA: And how's that working out for you? Since Bart and father left, we've been smoking resin.
MAGGIE: The resin isn't even that bad.

LISA: Did we ever smoke resin when our father was here? We used to smoke an ounce a day.
MAGGIE: My brother is a hero. Fuck your ounce.

MARGE: Language! Language.
MAGGIE: Sorry.
MARGE: Your heart is in the right place but I don't like the language
LISA: I want my family back

LISA: How free are you going to be when we have to bury Bart before his 20th birthday?
MARGE: Enough.
MAGGIE: I'm out of here.

MOE: You sure you can move two pounds a week?
KEN: I have no choice.
MOE: You're a brave boy.
KEN: I must redeem my broken family.

LENNY: The younger son takes action.
CARL: He wants to restore his family's glory.
MOE: His rise will change everything.

BOB: It's time for you to meet my friend.
HOMER: I want to go home
[BOB smacks homer across the mouth]
BOB: Get out of the car.

[BOB and HOMER enter a mansion. Bricks of hash everywhere]
HOMER: Where are we?
MILHOUSE: Hello Homer.
HOMER: My son's friend Milhouse?

MILHOUSE: It's me.
HOMER: What are you doing in Iraq?
MILHOUSE: I'm the main hash supplier for Al Qaeda
HOMER: That's insane

MILHOUSE: Is it so insane? Any more insane that you find your own self in this wild land?
HOMER: I came here for my son.
MILHOUSE: Sure.

MILHOUSE: We all came here for someting. I came here to do IT work for a military contractor. Now look at me. This place changes people.

HOMER: I don't want to change. I like you am.
MILHOUSE: You'll change. I'll make you change.
HOMER: What does that mean?

BOB: Enough questions, Simpson.
MILHOUSE: He's fine. Shut up, Bob.
BOB: Sorry.
MILHOUSE: Roll the grownups a hash blunt and go the hell away

HOMER: [exhales huge hit]
MILHOUSE: How's the hash.
HOMER: It's... it's really good.
MILHOUSE: [smiles] I know.
HOMER: It's chocolatey

MILHOUSE: And you're telling me you don't want to be a part of this? HOMER: A part of what?
MILHOUSE: This place. Iraq. Paradise.

HOMER: I have a family.
MILHOUSE: I have unlimited weed.
HOMER: Damn
MILHOUSE: Yeah.
HOMER: That sounds good.
MILHOUSE: It is good, Homer.

HOMER: [aside] The promise of endless pleasure. But my family at home. What would they do without me? I can't do this. I must leave Iraq.

MARGE: My husband mingles with mujahideen thousands of miles from home. How I hope that his intentions are noble. This family needs him.

MAGGIE: My brother is a hero. My father is a coward. Both have left the family, but only one has intentions of restoring our family's honor

[MAGGIE picks up the phone]
KEN: Mags... it's Ken
MAGGIE: Ken? I don't recognize the number.
KEN: I'm in jail, sis. I'm facing 10 years.

MAGGIE: My god... for what? What did you do?
KEN: I was trying to help.
MAGGIE: Ken, what did you do?
KEN: I shot a guy.

MAGGIE: Ken... Ken, why?
KEN: It's a long story. I was selling dank for Moe and it got complicated.

KEN: The guy is fine but I'm facing an assault charge. I didn't have any product on me but that's the least of my problems now.

KEN: I'm being remanded. I won't be able to see anybody until my trial. I'm sorry. I just wanted to help the family.
MAGGIE: [sobbing]

KEN: I have to go. [hangs up]
MAGGIE: This family that was once united by dank buds has been torn apart by those same buds. God forgive us.

SONIC: You call these nugs? Haha what have you been smoking?
SMITHERS: Pot
SONIC: I know.

SONIC: where did you get these regs?
SMITHERS: it's spice
SONIC: This is regular grade weed.
SMITHERS: Bender deals brown bud

SONIC: I thought Bob chased Bender away?
SMITHERS: Bob is in Iraq with Homer
SONIC: homer is brave.
SMITHERS: he's strong

SONIC: Bender is pushing in my neighborhood
SMITHERS: Are regulars a threat?
SONIC: All potsmokers are threats to me and society

SMITHERS: You smoke too
SONIC: I want to fuck this town up
SMITHERS: You're a kid
SONIC: fuck this. I'm going to kick your entire ass

FLANDERS: The Simpson boy... I had a feeling you'd end up here, someday. We all do. Whats up neighbor?
KEN: I don't want to talk about it.

FLANDERS: Fuck pigs man.
KEN: [silence]
FLANDERS: I was tokin' in a bank. Wasn't the first time, sure as hell won't be the last.

[int. MILLHOUSE's garage]
HOMER: I need to save my son. I need to go home. I need to end this war myself. But first I need to hit this brick

HOMER: Millhouse
MILLHOUSE: Yes, Homer?
HOMER: What if you could rule this desert
MILLHOUSE: I do.
HOMER: But officially?

MILLHOUSE: That's impossible. They don't even vote here
HOMER: We can bring democracy to the Iraqi people [repacks bowl]

HOMER: You have connections right?
MILLHOUSE: Obviously
HOMER: Can you arrange a meeting with the man?
MILLHOUSE: ...Him?
HOMER: Yes

MILLHOUSE: I think I can do that
HOMER: Does he smoke?
MILLHOUSE: President George Bush? He smokes weed all fucking day.
HOMER: Nice

HOMER: I knew I voted for the right guy.
MILLHOUSE: Cool
HOMER: He's good
MILLHOUSE: I guess. Also, it's not a microphone
HOMER: Sorry

MILHOUSE: Bob can't know
HOMER: Bob doesn't know his five chambers from his sixes
MILHOUSE: Harsh
HOMER: Fuck Bob

MILHOUSE: George Walker Bush will be in Iran tomorrow
HOMER: We're in Iraq
MILHOUSE: Iran is similar
HOMER: I'm going to smoke with Bush

[HOMER, aside]: This war has reached its zenith. I can ascend politics using my historical materialist outlook and bring this to a close

[Int. Iranian Embassy]
HOMER: I'm nervous
MILHOUSE: I know this guy well
HOMER: What if he knows I deal
MILHOUSE: He smokes
HOMER: Oh yeah

HOMER: Should I roll a blunt before we see him? Is it courteous?
MILHOUSE: Roll bush at least a courtesy J
HOMER: J's are lightweight shit

MILHOUSE: George Bush is a heavyweight, expert smoker
HOMER: I'm glad he's in our whitehouse
MILHOUSE: I have problems with him

HOMER: He's chill and smokes, and he's fighting for us
MILHOUSE: I disagree with the war, and his tax cuts
HOMER: You hate free enterprise?

MILHOUSE: Competition is fine when it's fair
HOMER: It's fair to us all. The American dream is real
MILHOUSE: Bush smokes too much

HOMER: Forget it.
MILHOUSE: Bush can receive us now
HOMER: He better hit this shit hard
MILHOUSE: Business first
HOMER: No

HOMER: I'm going to light up right now
MILHOUSE: Wait till he's ready
HOMER: I'll blow weed in Bush's face
MILHOUSE: Don't

[DOOR opens]
BUSH: Milhouse! It's been ages my dear boy!
MILLHOUSE: I have two L's now
BUSH: Since when?
MILLHOUSE: I roll two L's a day

BUSH: Good one
MILLHOUSE: Thanks
HOMER: That was nice
BUSH: Who's that?
MILLHOUSE: A fellow toker and a thinking man
BUSH: We're smoking?

HOMER: I rolled a blunt
BUSH: Hash or green?
HOMER: Green
BUSH: Thank god. This desert dank is hurting my throat
HOMER: It's the same for me

BUSH: First hit?
HOMER: It's all yours
BUSH: Business first
[HOMER, aside]: This is shady

MILLHOUSE: Pass it to the left
BUSH: Homer, your turn
HOMER: This shit is fucking soaked
MILLHOUSE: He got spit on it?
HOMER: I fucked up

HOMER: This was a bad idea. I'm leaving
BUSH: I'm sorry
HOMER: It's nasty
BUSH: I have cotton mouth
HOMER: I thought you were chill

BUSH: I'm chill. I'm sorry. I'll roll a new one. I'll smoke that one
HOMER: Give me your best dro
BUSH: I smoke only the best. You know Moe?

HOMER: Moe ruined my life
MILLHOUSE: Moe is a snake
BUSH: Moe has never wronged me
HOMER: Moe cut me off
BUSH: ....That's fucked.

HOMER: I'm here for a reason
BUSH: What?
HOMER: I want to end this war
BUSH: I'm too high for this hahaha

BUSH: I want to listen to Shuggie Otis
HOMER: What the fuck?
MILLHOUSE: Shut the fuck up and stay on topic
BUSH: Too late

HOMER: This guy sucks
MILLHOUSE: He's normally better
HOMER: Did we get him too high?
MILLHOUSE: I warned you
HOMER: Shoulda rolled a J

HOMER: You're holding out. You know more than you're telling
BUSH: I don't
HOMER: You're dodging the issue
BUSH: Stop
HOMER: Where are they?

BUSH: Where are what?
HOMER: The WMDs. The cause of this war
BUSH: that's....
HOMER: Confidential? Right
BUSH: Don't narc on me

HOMER: Don't use the lingo with me, lightweight
BUSH: There are no weapons. Just massive pools of hash oil
HOMER: I knew it

BUSH: We've extracted enough. But we can't end the war. It's too sensitive
HOMER: How?
BUSH: He has prisoners
HOMER: Saddam?
BUsH: Saddam.

HOMER: Casualties of war are inevitable. This is your doing, own up to it. You sent your pawns in to this mess to be torn apart

HOMER: War is the only constant in history. In this modern era, the thirst of capital cannot be quenched with mere blood or oil

HOMER: You didn't create this system. But you propagate it. I see now. Millhouse is right. You're a bad person. Imperialism is wrong

BUSH: Imperialism is just a word. The desire to expand is part of the human nature
HOMER: Human nature? Don't make me laugh.

HOMER: Since the dawn of industrialization you people have treated your citizens as cogs in the machine of profit [Lights blunt]

HOMER: [holding in smoke] The wealth gap is staggering. And all you care about is [exhales] money.
BUSH: But I-
HOMER: Can it

BUSH: Why did I skip Marx studies?
MILLHOUSE: And Engels
BUSH: Engels is over my head
HOMER: I voted for this false-stoner.

BUSH: But we can't end the war
HOMER: Why?
BUSH: He has your son
HOMER: Bart? What?
BUSH: No. Not Bart
HOMER: ....
MILLHOUSE: ....

BUSH: My intel man is calling. I'll put him on speaker.
TROPICAL MAN: Ken has been kidnapped by Al-Qaeda.
BUSH: Is he safe?

TROPICAL MAN: The terrorists are waterboarding Ken
HOMER: How'd they get their hands on him?
BUSH: Our prison system is corrupt

HOMER: Tell me about it
BUSH: i will, later, let's chief
HOMER: The blunt is still lit?
BUSH: Let me get a hit
HOMER: Gross, no.

HOMER: How the fuck can I save my son?
BUSH: One of your sons is ablebodied
HOMER: Bart isn't chill anymore
MILHOUSE: It's true

BUSH: The kid stopped toking?
HOMER: It's your own military practice that did this
BUSH: I fucked up.

[BART stands outside of Iraqi whitehouse, amidst a pile of corpses]
BART: I made it this far. There's no going back. Here I come, Ken.

BART: I'm too good at this. I'm scarring myself. I shoot people like it's nothing. Am I even doing this for Ken? Or my own sick pleasure?

BART: No. Ken sucks. This is all for me. This blood wasn't spilled for my brother or my country. This is for me.

BART: I've turned into a monster and I fucking love it. Love? That's a strong word. I only feel hatred. For everyone.

BART: This place has a decent back yard. Saddam must be out there chilling. Here I come, motherfucking Hussein.

[Ext. Iraqi Whitehouse, back yard. A gazebo sits in the center. Smoke billows out. It evokes memories of home in young Bart]
BART: shit...

[BART approaches the gazebo]
BART: I'm shaking. I'm scared. Should I turn back? Is this a sign? He's toking in there. I know it.

[Int. Gazebo, walls plastered with Marley memorabilia and roadsigns]
BART: This layout....
[A shadow sits in the corner, hitting a bong]

VOICE: You've made it
BART: Saddam Hussein. World villain.
SADDAM: I've done nothing wrong. I did it for my people
BART: You attacked mine.

SADDAM: I know you won't see it my way. I accept my death. I've been waiting for this.
BART: I'll do it with pleasure, you sick fuck.

SADDAM: This Gazebo. It's one of the only two like it in the world. Built of the finest hemp
BART: I don't know shit about construction

SADDAM: But you know about life, Bart
BART: I know only about killing.
SADDAM: Death is part of life.
BART: Shut the fuck up, I'll kill you

SADDAM: You will. I saw it
BART: You're talking nonsense you crazy fucking stoner
SADDAM smiles.

SADDAM: Don't you recognize it, Bart?
BART: No
SADDAM: You do. Admit it
BART: It's from someone else's life. It's not mine.

SADDAM: You feel like a different person now?
BART: I am not a person. I'm a machine of the state.
SADDAM: Machines have organs

SADDAM: You're the same being that you always were. With different perception.
BART: You're high
SADDAM: I'm right.

BART: This has gone on too fucking long. I'm going to end this.
SADDAM: Go ahead. But let me get one last toke.
BART: Fine. I own't deny it.

SADDAM: Why don't you hit it?
[SADDAM reveals a crystal bong traced with golden elephants]
BART: That bong is racist
SADDAM: It's magic

BART: I'll play your game. You think one hit will affect my aim? You think I won't put a bullet in your head?
SADDAM: I embrace death

SADDAM: And this is no game. I've longed to smoke weed with the man who will kill me, since I was a boy
BART: You're twisted

[SADDAM casually holds out bong, as a friend. BART accepts it, with shaking hands]
SADDAM: Toke on it
BART: I am

[BART takes massive hit, and cannot properly clear the smoke from the piece]
BART: I'm rusty
SADDAM: I can't even see through the smoke hah

BART: This changes nothing.
SADDAM: Sit down next to me. You can keep your gun out.
BART: I need to sit
SADDAM: Tell me why
BART: No

SADDAM: Why do you need to sit
BART: I'm...
SADDAM: Say it
BART: I'm blazed out of my fucking mind
[SADDAM, laughing]: Cool

BART: I have a Gazebo just like this at home
SADDAM: I know
BART: How?
SADDAM: I used to build them
BART: What?
SADDAM: I built yours too

BART: Why the fuck?
SADDAM: I really appreciate hemp as an alternative building material. I can send you articles
BART: But why ours?

SADDAM: The perfect smoking hangout. A palace fit for only the most hardcore pothead
BART: We're nothing special
SADDAM: I disagree

SADDAM: Never has herb brought a family as close together as it does yours.
BART: We have issues
SADDAM: We all do.
BART: It ruined us

SADDAM: Self-criticism ruined you. If you smoke freely and without care, love will grow
BART: How did you know us
SADDAM: I..

BART: Tell me
SADDAM: I'm a moderator on the Grasscity forums
BART: What?
SADDAM: TokeMahal49
BART: That's you?

SADDAM: I've talked to your dad on IRC for years. We post together
BART: You're a terrorist
SADDAM: I'm just a lonely stoner

SADDAM: All these years I've had this gazebo, and you're the first to ever smoke with me in it
BART: I'm getting too lifted

SADDAM: I want you to take another hit. I want you to exhale through your ironsights as you fire the bullet
BART: I shouldn't do it

SADDAM: I am a bad man. Don't let yourself waver. I had to do one good thing before I left.
BART: You knocked the towers down...

[BART lifts his rifle to Saddam's dome. He takes a massive, multi-chambered hit, a tear forms in his eye, and he pulls the trigger]

BART: Goodbye you beautiful bastard.... I guess I should find my worthless brother Ken now. Hope he's not fucking dead.

MARGE: Turn on the news. Bart has done something wonderful.
MAGGIE: Do you see, Lisa? He was a hero all along.
LISA: It's complex.

LISA: He took a man's life.
MAGGIE: He attacked our country.
LISA: His connection to Al Qaeda was never proven.
MAGGIE: Unlike our father.

LISA: We don't know all the facts
MAGGIE: You're ignorant
LISA: You're blinded by hate.
MARGE: [aside] I need to get high so bad

MARGE: Moe, please, I'm begging you. Front me an eighth until next week.
MOE: And what happens next week? You're fucking unemployed.

MARGE: Bart killed Saddam. He's going to get a big bonus from the Army.
MOE: You're not going to see a dime of that money. He owes me.

MARGE: Moe, please. We're desperate. My family is falling apart.
MOE: I don't front perfectly good purp to degenerate drug addicts.

MARGE: Just let me have a ball of resin. Please. For old times' sake.
MOE: Get the fuck out of my bar before I call the cops.
MARGE: [sobs]

YOUNG WIGGUM: Miss... Misses Simpson?
MARGE: Young Wiggum... Please... You know my son. I just need a gram to get me through the week.

YOUNG WIGGUM: Dad! Come here!
WIGGUM: Marge? What the hell are you doing here?
MARGE: I need to blaze. My family needs to blaze.

WIGGUM: I'm a fucking police officer, Marge. You can't come to my house with this crap.
MARGE: I'm desperate.
WIGGUM: Go home to your kids.

CARL: The family torn apart by drugs and war.
LENNY: The wife and daughters struggle.
MOE: When will the father return?

LISA: When will you see that war has destroyed this family?
MAGGIE: Drugs have destroyed this family. Bart is our only hope.

LISA: The best hope for a peaceful family is a ruthless killer?
MAGGIE: Shame on you for speaking of your brother like that.

MARGE: Sir, please... you knew my husband.
SONIC: Lady I couldn't fuckin' stand your husband. But have a dub sack on me. Now be gone.

MARGE: Oh thank you... thank you. You've saved my family, sir. Thank you.
SONIC: Christ, lady it's just mids. Calm down

MARGE: Maggie! Lisa! Look! I got a dub sack! After we smoke it we can scrape the resin.
LISA: Don't you see? It's not about the weed anymore

MAGGIE: We called the embassy in Iraq. They're bringing father home
MARGE: What about Bart?
LISA: He signed a 10 year contract with the army

MARGE: He WHAT?!
MAGGIE: They need him over there. Saddam wasn't the only evil man in that tumultuous region.
LISA: Maggie is right.

LISA: Bart can do more in the Middle East than he could ever do back home with us.
MAGGIE: He's never going to be the same.
MARGE: My boy...

MAGGIE: He's a man now. You need to understand that.
LISA: He's a killer... but I've come to accept it
MARGE: Sorry but who has the grinder?

LISA: I can just crumble it. I don't know where the--
MAGGIE: Oh yeah, Apu had it.
LISA: Oh.
MARGE: Just crumble it by hand, that's fine.

MAGGIE: Where did you get this autumn leaf looking nasty ass weed?
MARGE: From Mr. Sonic.
[MAGGIE drops the blunt]
MAGGIE: What?!

MAGGIE: Mr. Sonic is a cold and unscrupulous business magnate. He has an ulterior motive for giving you this free weed.
MARGE: Shit.

LISA: There's no such thing as free weed.
MAGGIE: You should know this.
MARGE: I didn't start smoking until I was like 35.
LISA: Whoa.

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE: This town's been fucking dead for 2 months
SKYNARD: It's shit here anymore
WILLIE: I fucking hate this weedless town

WILLIE: I used to smoke every day with these brats, now I have to beg them for a hit of res
SKYNARD: Kids are different now.

WLLIE: Here I am, I'm smoking leftover shit from a nine year old, and I'm loving it
SKINNER: Bart left us in hell
WILLIE: I'm sober

MARGE: [exhales] I'm actually pretty high off this schwag
LISA: It's a body high
MAGGIE: My legs are spasming. I think I hear gunshots.

MARGE: She's freaking out
LISA: Her guilt is getting to her
MAGGIE: I celebrated a killer.

LISA: He's still our brother. He was forced into that deadly profession.
MARGE: [exhales huge blunt hit] What the hell are you talking about

[MAGGIE, MARGE, and LISA silently smoke the rest of the blunt]

MOE: The young women have found temporary relief.
CARL: A couple of grams won't be enough.
LENNY: The familial serenity will not last.

SKINNER: We need bart
WILLIE: He was a ruckus. And a stoner
SKINNER: He didn't finish his GED
WILLIE: Will he be trapped here?

SKINNER: Bart will restore this school's honor
WILLIE: The super attendant is on your case
SKINNER: I can't smoke spice anymore
WILLIE: same

WILLIE: Bart signed up for ten years
SKINNER: There's no way we can make him come home?
WILLIE: That's against the law.

SKINNER: The law means nothing in this hellhole
WILLIE: Good riddance to Springfield
SKINNER: I'll bring it back
WILLIE: Springfield hell.

SONIC: Itch and Scratch don't make me laugh anymore
SMITHERS: You're lame now. Pass it.
SONIC: Without Simpson clan, Springfield falls

MARGE: The plane has arrived.
LISA: I hope we can get the taxi soon.
MAGGIE: Father returns
MARGE: Will he have bud?

LISA: Is Ken with father?
MARGE: Ken doesn't get mentioned in this fucking house
LISA: Mom, you're serious
MARGE: I'm dry as a bone

[Int. Airport]
[HOMER enters, somber]: I bring bad news to my family.
MARGE: You forgot to pack the herb?
HOMER: No. I have three pounds

MARGE: Where's my son?
HOMER: Ken got held up
MARGE: I'll wait for him
MAGGIE: Ken won't make it back alive
LISA: He's weak.

HOMER: After son Bart found him, they fought. Ken ran into the desert
MARGE: I don't want to discuss this
LISA: Tell me more
HOMER: No

HOMER: I listen only to my wonderful wife
MAGGIE: Dad's lust for mom is increased by hash usage
LISA: Hash saved their marriage

MAGGIE: Tell us about the Ken's fight
HOMER: I can't discuss it, but I'll illustrate it. http://t.co/RMySzvV7mc

MAGGIE: Ah. A counter-clockwise passer
HOMER: He wouldn't pass to the left
MARGE: Where did we go wrong with him?
HOMER: Let's spark.

MAGGIE: In an airport?
LISA: The attacks...
HOMER: It's good now. I fixed it.
MARGE: Bart did
HOMER: I met Bush

MARGE: Bush didn't do shit. My son saved this globe.
MAGGIE: Bush hid the facts
LISA: Bush is a paper tiger
HOMER: Bush is chill

MARGE: What happened to Bush?
HOMER: Bush got too fucking high for his own good
MAGGIE: Our own president?
HOMER: Bush is a lightweight.

HOMER: He coughed directly into the bong
MARGE: No discipline
HOMER: He blew the weed out of the Slider Piece
MAGGIE: I voted for this pig.

HOMER: I convinced Bush to end the war.
MARGE: We don't need the oil.
MAGGIE: Why is Bart still there?
HOMER: It's complex.

MARGE: How high did our president get on weed?
HOMER: He was blazed so hard that he...
MAGGIE: No..
HOMER: Yes
LISA: He forgot Poland?

HOMER: Can we go the fuck home and smoke pot?
MARGE: I want the dro first
LISA: I want to try the hashish brick
HOMER: I'll roll two.

[Int. Simpson Home. Baked.]
MARGE: are we going to talk about Bart?
HOMER: I just invited Apu
LISA: Apu can't party
HOMER: Apu goes hard

MARGE: I'm serious Homer
HOMER: I missed this fucking place
LISA: We've been in hell dad
MAGGIE: We smoked Salvia
HOMER: What?

HOMER: You let our kids trip on Sal?
MARGE: We were desperate.
HOMER: Salvia? Marge, are you fucking kidding me?
[MARGE begins sobbing]

LISA: It's legal shit, father.
HOMER: You got the shit part right.
MARGE: You left us
HOMER: Our son. Our beautiful fucking son.

MARGE: You didn't bring him back. You gave the president first hit and you forgot our son.
HOMER: Our president slobbers on the blunt

MARGE: What the fuck did you even DO over there?
HOMER: I pushed Bob's brick.
MARGE: Homer...
LISA: That's dirty.
APU: Hello

HOMER: Hey Apu
APU: I'm here to blaze
HOMER: We have three pieces packed
APU: Hash for me
HOMER: Keep it. I'm sick of brick.

APU: I'm already uncomfortable.
HOMER: Just chill.
APU: Why did you invite me...you just got home
HOMER: I want to get twisted

APU: I carry Four Lokos in my shop.
HOMER: Did you bring any?
APU: Only the watermelon flavor.
HOMER: Toss me one
LISA: Father?

HOMER: Sometimes a father needs to drink a Four Loko to deal with his weed-bumming kids
MAGGIE: You just got home.
HOMER: Home? ...Bart....

[HOMER gazes wistfully at the Gazebo]
HOMER: That place is off limits
MARGE: But hot boxing the Gazebo is efficient
HOMER: Not without Bart.

APU: I really don't want to be here for this. I have shit to do
HOMER: You'll stay in my house and smoke my fucking weed for free.

APU: Hard to turn down purps and brick
HOMER: Lay off my brick. You're killing it.
APU: Your son is a killer, too.

HOMER: Apu. I don't need your shit. You're acting like Sonic.
APU: I'm a grown man
HOMER: You're acting just like him
APU: Sorry.

MARGE: Can we talk? In private?
APU: What? Why. That's weird.
MARGE: I was talking to Homer.
MAGGIE: I don't want Apu to witness this.

HOMER: Anything you can say to me, you can say to Apu.
APU: Please don't do this.
HOMER: Apu, please go talk to my wife in private.

MARGE: Homer. Why are you doing this?
HOMER: Apu can relay your bullshit message to me
APU: I'm having a panic attack.

HOMER: Take another hit. Go and whisper with my wife.
APU: Homer. I'm freaking the fuck out.
HOMER: My wife has a soothing voice

APU: It's cramped in here.
HOMER: We have a finished basement.
APU: I'm not going there
HOMER: Marge. Lead him there.
MARGE: What the fuck?

[Int. Basement]
MARGE: Apu. I need to know what happened in Iraq.
APU: I need to leave
MARGE: Apu...
APU: Please?

MARGE: Ask my husband where our son is. And why he's doing this
APU: I'm not doing that
MARGE: We smoke you out and you do this?

APU: I haven't had kush in months. I can't handle this right now
MARGE: I have regs to calm you down.
APU: Moe?
MARGE: He has shit now.

APU: Moe went to the gutter.
MARGE: Sonic took the good stuff
APU: Sonic doesn't sell.
MARGE: He's a fiend
APU: He misses his father.

MARGE: I miss the father of my children.
APU: The bud will help.
MARGE: Bud doesn't answer questions.
APU: I might die tonight.

MARGE: Apu?
APU: My heart....
MARGE: Have some water.
APU: This is dirty bong water
MARGE: We made a grav bong in our bath tub.

APU: So?
MARGE: All of our water goes to this bong.
APU: I need professional help
MARGE: You'll talk to my husband.

APU: I never asked for this.
MARGE: I never asked for this war. But your people...
APU: My people? Are you insane?
MARGE: if the shoe fits..

APU: What are you saying?
MARGE: convenient how you moved here 25 years before 9/11?
APU: I'm indian you fucking bigot.
MARGE: Sorry.

MARGE: I'm on edge.
APU: I barely know you guys. I just smoke your weed.
MARGE: You used to deal.
APU: My kids are in college.
MARGE: Oh?

MARGE: My kid sold his soul for this disgrace of a nation.
APU: Blame those fuckers on wall street.
MARGE: I blame you.

APU: I told you, I'm Indian.
MARGE: You're a pussy.
APU: What the fuck?
MARGE: Talk to Homer.
APU: I'm scared

MARGE: Homer isn't armed.
APU: Bob had guns.
MARGE: Bob? I forgot about Bob...
APU: Isn't he the cause of all your pain?

MARGE: Bob trashed our gazebo and left us in ruin.
APU: Email him.
MARGE: You need to do it.
APU: I won't.
MARGE: Email Bob, now.

APU: Why can't I fucking go home? Why can't you do it.
MARGE: I'm too high to deal with this shit.
APU: The resin lowered your tolerance.

MARGE: I'll kill you.
APU: You couldn't.
MARGE: I want my family back.
APU: I'm leaving. Bye.
MARGE: You son of a bitch.

[Int. Simpson livingroom]
HOMER, whispering: Did you fuck my wife?
APU: No. I'm leaving.
HOMER: I'll find you
APU: Let me go

HOMER: My son can turn you into ground beef chops.
APU: You're stoned, Homer.
HOMER: Wiggum will take my side.
APU: Fuck off.

APU: Your breath smells like old hash, your teeth are brown. You're a mess.
HOMER: I have my eye on you
APU: You wanted this.
HOMER: Fuck.

[ext. SIMPSON STREET]
APU: Fuck that shit
BUMBLEBEE MAN: ¿Tiene alguna marihuana?
APU: What the fucking hell is going on

LENNY: The merchant feels the oppressive weight of destiny on his shoulders.
CARL: Could Apu turn to the cops?
MOE: He smoked their hash.

[MOE'S TAVERN; MARGE sits alone in a dark booth. A shadow approaches]
MARGE: Thank you for coming. I don't have anyone else to turn to

SONIC: You thought that you, a peasant, could turn to me?
MARGE: Thats rude
SONIC: I have attitude problems. And all the kush in Springfield

MARGE: Then why did you come here?
SONIC: Curiosity. Boredom. I feel like as I blaze, an emptiness inside me is growing
MARGE: Damn

SONIC: I get to be high all the time though
MARGE: That's cool
SONIC: Yeah.
MARGE: Some serious shit has happened.

SONIC: I don't give a fuck. I want middle-eastern weed.
MARGE: You'll get it.
SONIC: When?
MARGE: You need to message Bob.

SONIC: Fuck Bob
MARGE: True. But you're the only one he's afraid of
SONIC: What do I even say to him. What is it that we're even doing

MARGE: Find out what he knows about Bart. What went down in Iraq. I want my husband and son back.
SONIC: But why? Talk to Homer about it

MARGE: Homer's lips are sealed to the grav bong.
SONIC: Bath tub?
MARGE: we made a bong out of it.
SONIC: Genius. But I get your concern.

SONIC: Thing is, babe, I have no concern for your family.
MARGE: You have all the weed you can smoke.
SONIC: I do.
MARGE: But...

MARGE: You don't have Iraqi connections.
SONIC: Why would I want them.
MARGE: Ever smoke hashish?
SONIC: Yeah.

MARGE: You bought that shit outside a Subway restaurant.
SONIC: It's the same brick.
MARGE: This brick is insane.
SONIC: Whoa

MARGE: I'll supply you with a lifetime of hash weed for your work.
SONIC: Do I have to sell?
MARGE: It's all yours to toke on
SONIC: Damn..

MARGE: Homer is hiding the facts.
SONIC: More than Bush?
MARGE: He smoked with Bush.
SONIC: What the fuck?
MARGE: I know, right?

SONIC: This is deep shit.
MARGE: There's a mystery surrounding Bart, my youngest son.
SONIC: and Ken?
MARGE: Shut your mouth.

SONIC: You don't tell me what to fucking do.
MARGE: I'll tell you not to mention that name near me again
SONIC: Musta passed to the right...

MARGE: Apu knows too much.
SONIC: You're asking a lot to me.
MARGE: Skype Bob first. Then we deal with Apu.
SONIC: Apu's blood will spill.

MARGE: Will you email him?
SONIC: Skype will suffice.
MARGE: Cam on or off?
SONIC: I'm going to show him my face
MARGE: Holy shit.

SONIC: I'm not too thrilled with Bart's return.
MARGE: This town is dead, period.
SONIC: Springfield...deserves a second chance.

[LATER, SONIC's HOME]
SONIC: Well, here goes nothing.
[SONIC clicks the SKYPE CONTACT]
BOB: Hello?
SONIC: Get on cam
BOB: Sonic?
SONIC: Now.

BOB: What?
SONIC: Now.
BOB: You're breaking up.
SONIC: My data plan...
BOB: T-Mobile is shit in this area.
SONIC: CIRCUS BOB!!!

CIRCUS BOB: Why are you fucking calling me? It's 1:20 AM?
SONIC: What the fuck is happening over there?
BOB: It's a god forsaken mess.

SONIC: Get the fuck on cam.
BOB: My connection...
SONIC: Show me your bastard face.
BOB: Hold on a second.

SONIC: I'm going to take a hit now.
BOB: Can you see my feed?
SONIC: All I see is your fucking lap. Move the camera up.
BOB: I'm nervous.

SONIC: Load up a fucking fat bong of hashish
BOB: My brick is almost gone
SONIC: You have Milhouse.
BOB: Milhouse? Hah.

BOB: Milhouse is a double-traitor.
SONIC: Milhouse has good shit.
BOB: He's the president of the United States of Iraq.
SONIC: what?

BOB: Democracy has landed in this wasteland.
SONIC: That's a good thing.
BOB: He's bogarting the hashish.
SONIC: Milhouse smokes his own way

BOB: Can you see me?
SONIC: Yeah.
BOB: I can't see you
SONIC: Hold on
[SONIC ends the call]

[SKYPE RINGTONE PLAYS]
SONIC: Can you see me now?
BOB: I see you alright.
SONIC: Damn. I can't see you.
BOB: Do you have Google+?

SONIC: Are you kidding me? You imbecile.
BOB: I see you now. You have a lot of bud.
SONIC: Jars for days of chronic shit.

SONIC: I need to know what happened to Bush, Bart and the rest.
BOB: Well, machines have organs.
SONIC: Shut your stoner mouth.

SONIC: Bart smoked. I know it. We all know it...Bill Maher has clips.
BOB: Bill? He's desperate
SONIC: Bill Mahaer is a ratchet fucker.

BOB: The RATCHET phrase has not reached Iraqi soil.
SONIC: Where the fuck is bart.
BOB: The chamber.
SONIC: You talking about bongs?

BOB: Bart is undergoing severe weed training. He's being force-fed bong smoke until he doesn't feel it anymore
SONIC: That's torture.

BOB: What do you want me to do? I just push.
SONIC: What's Millhouse's skype?
BOB: I don't know it.
SONIC: How?
BOB: I only know his no. 1

[TEAGUE has joined the conversation]
BOB: Teague. This is Sonic.
TEAGUE:I know him.
SONIC: Holy mother of god.

SONIC: This guy grew up with me. We watched Digimon together.
BOB: I'll leave now.
TEAGUE: What do you want, scum?
SONIC: Bart.

TEAGUE: Tai hasn't found me yet.
SONIC: Where the fuck is Bart?
TEAGUE: He only responds on Yahoo now.
SONIC: Jesus Christ.

SONIC: Forget it. Thanks. This is a bunch of bullshit. I'm going to sleep. I'm blocking Marge's number.
BOB: Bye

MARGE: Days have passed. I'm alone. My husband hasn't left the closet. He's blowing tokes non-stop.
HOMER: Marge. Get me some grapes.

MARGE: Homer. I won't take your shit. Until Bart is back, I'm done. I'm leaving this house. I'll stay with TWIN SISTERS.

HOMER: My kids.
MARGE: Say goodbye to your pot smoking teens, fucker.
HOMER: I've lost them all. Where's Apu?

[Int. Bong facility, IRAQ]
BART: I can't handle this smoke
DOCTOR: You will keep smoking.
BART: I don't want to lose the body high

BART: Why are you doing this to me?
[MILLHOUSE ENTERS]
MILLHOUSE: It's for your own good.
BART: I killed Saddam. Isn't that enough?

MILLHOUSE: It's never enough. You should just give up. Go home to your father.
BART: My father is a cowardly dog.
MILLHOUSE: He's chill

BART: You don't even know him. You only know that he shares his bud for no reason.
MILLHOUSE: That's all I need to know.
BART: It's deeper.

MILLHOUSE: Your bloodlust will never be satisfied. You must pacify it with huge bong hits.
BART: I'm not done yet.

MILLHOUSE: What are you trying to prove?
BART: That I'm the American Soldier Supreme.
MILLHOUSE: To whom?

BART: My country
MILLHOUSE: Wrong.
BART: God.
MILLHOUSE: God is dead.
BART: Myself
MILLHOUSE: You're not even a person.
BART: ....

BART: All I wanted to do was make my father proud. He thought I was a worthless stoner. I can be more. I can change the world.

BART: Homer passed me his fattest L when I was only eight years old. I hit that shit so hard that it saved my life. I was suicidal.

BART: My old man, he made me who I am today. I wanted to pay him back. He already knows I'm a fiend. I wanted to show him I'm a hero, too.

MILLHOUSE: You were suicidal at eight years old?
BART: I was sober as fuck.
MILLHOUSE: No contact highs?
BART: None.

MILLHOUSE: Your family is suffering without you.
BART: I'm too high for that pressure
MILLHOUSE: Your tolerance will never increase.

MILLHOUSE: Bart. You've smoked as much as you can. You can't pass this wall. This is it. You're as high as you can be.

BART: I'm buzzed.
MILLHOUSE: You're drooling on yourself.
BART: I miss Doritos
MILLHOUSE: There's some at home.

BART: Why do you want me to go back?
MILLHOUSE: I owe your father a favor.
BART: Father fucked me over, hardcore.
MILLHOUSE: He's chill.

BART: I can't go back. I'm too far gone.
MILLHOUSE: They want you to be gone. Faded as fuck on NYC Sour Diesel.
BART: That's 2006 shit.

MILLHOUSE: You think Afghan shit is real?
BART: I've smoked it
MILLHOUSE: It's all spice.
BART: I know spice

MILLHOUSE: How much fucking spice have you smoked?
BART: ...
MILLHOUSE: Your dad gave you the real bud.
BART: I smoked it twice.

MILLHOUSE: You took three hits and fell asleep.
BART: Spice is just as good
MILLHOUSE: You're delusional. This war has ruined you.

BART: I miss father. I miss mother's stacked hair.
MILLHOUSE: Your mom's style is ahead of the game.
BART: I love my own mother.

BART: Send me back.
MILLHOUSE: I can do it.
BART: Homer....
MILLHOUSE: He saved you
BART: My chill-ass dad.

MARGE: MY SON IS FUCKING RUINING MY LIFE
ABE: What the fuck? The town is full of kush. Smoke more. Relax
MARGE: MY SON.

ABE: I got an email from Homer.
MARGE: I don't want his bullshit.
ABE: It's an e-card.
MARGE: What?
ABE: It's from http://t.co/XZV4B4akVX

MARGE: ... He saves those only for special occasions.
ABE: Your husband is blazed.
MARGE: This George Costanza card....
ABE: Bart?

MARGE: Bart is coming home.
ABE: Sweet mother of all hell. Sonic did it.
MARGE: No. Not Sonic. Sonic's malice knows no bounds.

MARGE: Homer still has connections. I'm worried.
ABE: Your husband might be pushing hash.
MARGE: It's good hash.

ABE: Bender's quality has increased.
MARGE: Is Homer supplying local thugs?
ABE: But Bart is safe.
MARGE: Bart's on his way.

[BART is relaxing on an Israeli beach, on a week leave from the army]
BART: God damn do I love Israel... Unlimited weed and crazy beaches.

IDF SOLDIER: Excuse me, Mr. Simpson? I need you to come with me.
BART: What the hell? I'm a US soldier. Our countries are friends.

IDF SOLDIER: [places hand on sidearm] Don't make this difficult, Bart.
BART: Alright you fucking pig, let's go. What do you want.

IDF SOLDIER: My boss wants to see you.
BART: Let's fuckin' go then!

[BART is escorted into a huge mansion in the heart of Tel Aviv. Giant bricks of hash litter the vestibule]
BART: Who lives here...?

NETANYAHU: Hello Bart
BART: Bibi...?
NETANYAHU: I was impressed by your work in Iraq. Very impressed.
BART: Thanks... do you want to smoke?

NETANYAHU: [grinning] I thought you'd never ask.
BART: Well I just fucking did. Now light that blunt and tell me why you brought me here.

NETANYAHU: Like I said... You dispatching of Saddam was quite the show.
BART: It's more complex than that.
NETANYAHU: Ah, but is it really?

BART: Yes... I just said it was.
NETANYAHU: Sometimes things are simpler than they appear.
BART: You weren't there.

NETANYAHU: Maybe this top tier Israeli bubble hash will help you see things my way.
BART: You know I can't refuse a hit of that.

BART: [Bart exhales a huge hit. He pretends to be high, not letting on that he is immune to weed] Fuck... I'm blazed, Bibi

NETANYAHU: I want to talk to you about Yasser Arafat. Perhaps you've heard of him.
BART: [holding in a hit] Yeah I know him

NETANYAHU: Well, Bart, he's a thorn in my side. I was wondering if you might have a chat with him on my behalf.
BART: Uhhhh

NETANYAHU: Shall I roll another?
BART: Yes, Bibi. I want to get so faded. I love Israel more than anything.
NETANYAHU: I'm glad to hear it.

BART: I'll "talk" to him, sure. But what do I get?
NETANYAHU: You'd be doing your patriotic duty, Mr. Simpson.
BART: I work for the Army

NETANYAHU: [sighs and rubs temples] What did you have in mind?
BART: I want to talk about settlements.
NETANYAHU: Excuse me?

BART: You heard me.
NETANYAHU: These issues do not concern you.
BART: It concerns everybody, Bibi. It must stop.

NETANYAHU: I thought you were a patriot.
BART: I'm a human being.
NETANYAHU: It's not that simple.
BART: That's not what you said before

NETANYAHU: Suddenly you seem quite sober, Mr. Simpson
BART: I'm blazed with the desire to help my fellow man.
NETANYAHU: I don't understand

BART: You never have, Bibi.
NETANYAHU: How could you be sober after all that bubble hash? You should be faded like my Wranglers right now

BART: [smirking] That doesn't concern you, Bibi...
NETANYAHU: Gah! Bad boy!
BART: You know it.

BART: So here's the deal, Bibi. I'm going to Ramallah in an hour to chat with Arafat. Then we're both going to the Hague.
NETANYAHU: Gah!

BART: You might want to get a head start on suspending those settlements. This is going to look really bad for you.
NETANYAHU: Awful boy!

NETANYAHU: You're making a huge mistake.
BART: I'm doing what I believe.
NETANYAHU: What you believe is shit.
BART: I believe in justice.

LISA: I can say the F word to my mom now.
YOUNG WIGGUM: I hear your mom begs for shake on the streets
LISA: ...

SKINNER: Young Wiggum. That's really a low blow.
YOUNG WIGGUM: I heard it from you
SKINNER: You read my Xanga?

YOUNG WIGGUM: All the kids are talking about the Fallen Simpsons. How bud ruined their lives. Their house is going to be repossessed.

NETANYAHU: Justice is a lie for naive schoolboys.
BART: I'm a man. I'm a soldier. And now I'm leaving. Mind if I take a brick for the road?

NETANYAHU: Awful boy!
BART: You should really have a toke, Bibi. You look nervous. Goodbye.
NETANYAHU: You're making a mistake.
BART: Peace.

LISA: I have to choose which house I go to after school.
TODD: The father's place
RODD: Or the TWIN AUNTS
LISA: This J is poorly rolled

MARGE: Homer. Open the door.
HOMER: I missed you, my wife.
MARGE: You said Bart was leaving Iraq.
HOMER: He did leave.
MARGE: You bastard

HOMER: Tropical Man told me he's in Israel
MARGE: Israel? That shithole?
HOMER: Marge!
MAGGIE: Those people are suffering!
MARGE: Sorry

MAGGIE: Bart might make this world a better place
HOMER: Make the grass greener on all sides
MARGE: You're toked out
HOMER: Take a hit.

MARGE: Don't mind if I do.
NELSON: I get greens, ma'am.
MARGE: What?
HOMER: I got a new kid.
MARGE: That's just that dirty kid Nelson?

HOMER: His parents owed me money
MARGE: You're not still...
HOMER: I stopped. But my last ounce of brick went to the Nelson Trailer.

MARGE: They should have never had him, he's a disgrace to our town.
HOMER: He can clean himself at least
MAGGIE: Revolting.

NELSON: Sir. Ma'am. I'd love to have a hit of marijuana.
HOMER: Go ahead, boy. And call me "father".
NELSON: That's really weird.

HOMER: I've accepted that Bart is gone forever. I just want a new chill teen to smoke pot with.
NELSON: Sonic?
HOMER: Sonic abandoned me.

FLANDERS: I smell pot
HOMER: I didn't invite you to my house
FLANDERS: I'm taking just one hit, then I'll leave.
HOMER: I'm serious.

FLANDERS: You lame fuck. Iraq changed you. You used to share all your weed. No matter what. Now you're hoarding it.
HOMER: You deserve none

FLANDERS: And this ugly little Nelson kid does? Look at him. He's crying. He's a selfish brat who drove his family into debt
HOMER: No weed.

HOMER: Nelson is my boy now.
FLANDERS: You sure know how to pick them, Homer.
HOMER: Here's a couple of stems. Now get the fuck out.

FLANDERS: I'll chew on these weed stems to stay alive through the night.

NELSON: Sir-err, Father?
HOMER: Yes boy.
NELSON: What's under that tarp in the back yard?
HOMER: You're done.
NELSON: What?

HOMER: You're out of a home, you're out of a family and now you're out of my fucking herb. Get out of this place
NELSON: I didn't know-

HOMER: You didn't know about the legendary Springfield Smokeshack? You're a liar. The greats have toked here
NELSON: Not Marley.

HOMER: No, not Marley. You're right. But you're still going to live in the gutter.
MARGE: You're a fucking animal now, Homer.

HOMER: I think this shit was laced. I feel sick.
MAGGIE: It's your imagination. This weed is good.
HOMER: I'm sick. Call Apu.

MAGGIE: We're not calling that guy again, he's afraid of us.
HOMER: Please call Apu. I'm seeing shit.
MAGGIE: You're tripping? On pot?

HOMER: Someone laced this shit with angel dust and ketamine.
MAGGIE: That doesn't happen in real life.
HOMER I'm in the depths of a K-Hole

HOMER: Where's my Amethyst
MAGGIE: It's in the Gazebo, dad.
HOMER: It's my birthstone
MAGGIE: It's a rock you tripped out psycho.

HOMER: Bring my my amethyst pendant.
MARGE: I'll go get it. Lie down.
HOMER: Let me touch it
MARGE: Your fingers are twitching

HOMER: Put it on my face.
MARGE: It's there.
HOMER: This Amethyst is clearing toxins out from my body.
MAGGIE: That's not scientific

HOMER: Science is just another religion, Maggie. Stop being such a piece brat. I miss my sons
MAGGIE: Nelson is in the yard crying

HOMER: Nelson is going to steal my rare stone.
MAGGIE: We got it in Ocean City for ten dollars
HOMER: I'm high

MAGGIE: Can we make a promise, as a family?
MARGE: I'll do anything to save my family. The Twin Sisters are oppressive.
HOMER: Help me

MAGGIE: Let's forget about this. Bart is taking care of himself. He's making his own choices. Let's just continue being chill and smoking.

MAGGIE: We'll have family dinners, sit on the couch, and pass the shit around. It will feel good.
HOMER: I'll smoke to stay focused

MARGE: I'll smoke to dampen the flames of hatred which engulf my heart.
MAGGIE: I'll smoke. right now. to get lifted.

[The following day]
HOMER: I can't stop moving my shoulders up and down.
MARGE: You're shrugging.
HOMER: It feels good...I'm blazed

MAGGIE: This purp gets stronger with age.
MARGE: This dry shit is getting me higher than Moe's sticky.
MAGGIE: Bus Rocker deals now.

MARGE: You bought this from him?
MAGGIE: He rocks on the way to school and deals on the way home.
MARGE: How much for an 8th?
MAGGIE: 45

MARGE: That's VIP Price.
MAGGIE: I've known him for years. He just bought a grow lamp.
MARGE: This pot is incredible. Kudos to him.

HOMER: Where is Lisa?
MARGE: Lisa has been cowering for days at my sisters' home.
HOMER: They're twins.
MARGE: They look alike.

LISA: I'm not going home. I'll get too high and emotional.
THELMA & SELMA: Their shit is too hairy. Too many crystals.

LISA: Last I heard, my dad was in the K-Hole.
THELMA & SELMA: That's not good. Keep hitting this brown and dry.
LISA: I'm addicted to mids

LISA: Slight headache, body high, little bit of hunger. I giggle now and then. Mids is controllable, convenient and cheap.

LISA: Kush should be saved for special occasions. You can't toke only the best shit. You'll lose yourself in fields of green. Mids , though.

THELMA & SELMA: We didn't approve of Marge marrying that kush maniac. Mids clear the mind. Kush breeds psychosis.
LISA: No bongs, either.

THELMA & SELMA: Bongs are for weirdos. Who wants to smoke out of some science lab prop? We roll tight bones.
LISA: I can barely hit this J

THELMA & SELMA: That one's spliff. It's a mix of tobacco and weed.
LISA: I feel the nicotine, as a stimulant, flowing through me.

LISA: The nicotine helps me stay awake while this dry eights of hairless weed keeps me grounded. I'm at home here. I'm not going back.

THELMA & SELMA: We can visit them on holidays.
LISA: We can smoke kush twice a year.
THELMA & SELMA: It's better that way.

MAGGIE: My sister smokes schwag with the twin hags. Her soul is corrupted by the unholy poison of nicotine. Our family's decline continues.

HOMER: You lack something.
NELSON: Sir?
HOMER: You're not my son.
NELSON: I know.
HOMER: But even my son is not my son.

HOMER: He is a warrior. I have come to terms with it. But I still need fluffy kush to help me forget it sometimes.
NELSON: I need to smoke

HOMER: It's not your fault you don't live up to Bart's legacy.
NELSON: I want to blaze please
HOMER: He was a special boy.

NELSON: Please roll one
HOMER: He had such passion. He loved the world
NELSON: I'm not high but I want to be
HOMER: I still love him.

NELSON: Let's chief
HOMER: But things are different. But then, all parents must watch their children outgrow them.
NELSON: Roll one

FLANDERS: Homer, you neglect this boy
HOMER: It's not your business. I'm reflecting on my son's absence.
NELSON: Do you have bud, mister?

FLANDERS: Nelson needs love and attention just like Bart did
HOMERS: He's just a weed rat
NELSON: Let's chief
HOMERS: He doesn't need love.

FLANDERS: He feels loved when he smokes with his surrogate father
HOMER: No. He feels high when he smokes my weed for free.
NELSON: Please

HOMER: You're wrong. This boy is pathetic. He is enslaved by his own desires.
FLANDERS: As if you were any different at your age?

NELSON: Let's smoke
HOMER: Quiet, boy! Flanders, it is the duty of the father to prevent his children from making the same mistakes he did.

FLANDERS: We learn from our mistakes
NELSON: Roll that shit
HOMER: You're telling me this boy is learning from this behavior?

NED: He's learning how to get what he wants
HOMER: Spoken like a true capitalist
NED: I'm a realist
HOMER: And I'm too high for this shit

HOMER: Come on, boy, let's toke
FLANDERS: I thought you were trying to teach him moderation?
HOMER: Now I'm just trying to get my smoke on.

HOMER: Come on, Nelson [hands him a massive bong] Enter the 36 chambers with me
NELSON: [takes a huge hit] It tastes like blueberries

HOMER: It's blueberry kush from East Texas
NELSON: How do they make it taste like that?
HOMER: I smoke it, I don't study it. Pass that shit.

HOMER: Now that we're sufficiently stoned I need to talk to you about something serious
NELSON: Let's keep smoking.

HOMER: You're neglecting your studies
NELSON: Pass it
HOMER: I love smoking weed with my new son but you have responsibilities.
NELSON: Give

HOMER: [holding bong out of Nelson's reach] Stop. Stop trying to grab the bong. I'm trying to teach you how to live a good life.

HOMER: You're pathetic. A pathetic boy. Leave the house now. I owe nothing to you.
NELSON: Please. Please. My family can't afford berry kush

HOMER: They can afford it. They just choose not to.
NELSON: It's not that simple.
HOMER: I want you out of here. Is that simple enough?

HOMER: You're a parasite
NELSON: I'm your son
HOMER: I have two sons and you're not one of them
NELSON: I want to smoke here forever

HOMER: I don't care. This isn't a weed charity
NELSON: I can't go back
HOMER: I don't care where you go but you're done here. You're out.

HOMER: You make me sick
FLANDERS: Homer that's enough
NELSON: Please Mr. Homer
FLANDERS: Come on, Nelson. I have a canister of K2 at home

HOMER: You two enjoy that. Remember what you could have had, Nelson. [holds up hairy nug of blueberry kush] This could have been your life

NELSON: I'm scared.
FLANDERS: You're not a good man, Homer
HOMER: I've been through a lot. Fuck you.

HOMER: [exhales massive bong hit] Why does everything around me turn to shit?

HOMER: [looks at bong thoughtfully] Is it you, my old friend? Are you the one causing this suffering? I cannot believe it. I refuse.

HOMER: I cannot blame you. I am the cause of my own suffering. Bart was right. I use weed to make others love me.

HOMER: Can I really blame them when I inevitably realize that they only loved my weed? I cultivated these empty and poisonous relationships

HOMER: Weed isn't the problem. It's what I use it for. It's not a good foundation for relationships. I'm realizing this now.

HOMER: High quality bud can make an already strong relationship grow, but it cannot build it from scratch. It is a fertilizer, not a seed.

FLANDERS: [answers phone] Hello?
HOMER: Let me talk to Nelson
FLANDERS: Don't call this number anymore, Homer
HOMER: It's important

FLANDERS: Fuck off [hangs up]
HOMER: It appears I have come to understand my greatest flaw long after there was any hope left of fixing it

CARL: The father is broken, defeated.
LENNY: His family lies in shambles around him
MOE: Does he shoulder all of the blame?

FLANDERS: I couldn't have my own children. I can't pay for my own weed. But I can do what I do best: taking from others

FLANDERS: I'm going to raise you right, kid. Here. Borrow my xbox, I'll be right back.
NELSON: Unless this Xbox can blaze I don't care.

[ext. TWIN SISTERS ranch house]
FLANDERS: Lisa. You can't stay here. They're using you for your rolling skills
LISA: I roll perfect blunts

LISA: they're family.
FLANDERS: I'm your family now.
LISA: You don't even have your own weed
FLANDERS: I have grinders though

FLANDERS: I'll care for you more than your deadbeat dad
LISA: Do you have a bath tub and a three litre bottle?
FLANDERS: Yes.

LISA: You would be a bad father
FLANDERS: I have a bong from the gas station. It hits hard
LISA: You disgust me

FLANDERS: What if I told you I knew where Ken is?
LISA: What if I told you to buzz off and let me smoke this shake?

BART: My family anguishes while I perform my patriotic duty in the Middle East. Are they my greatest responsibility? Or my country?

BART: My tolerance is starting to drop again. I'm not sure if I can resist the sinister strains of the Near East.

BART: I may lapse again into a haze of marijuana-induced malaise. I fear that I may not be able to perform my duties. I must be disciplined

FLANDERS: I'm a good man.
LISA: You're worthless
FLANDERS: My worth is not tied to how much weed I have
LISA: That's where you're wrong

LISA: It is. And you have no weed. And you have no value as a human being.
FLANDERS: Terrible girl! Where did you learn your horrible ways!

LISA: I learned by example. My family used to smoke an ounce a day.
FLANDERS: All I can provide is love and an inexpensive bong

LISA: Leave my family's 3 foot tempered glass piece for your plastic toy? I laugh!
FLANDERS: You family is ruined.
LISA: Only temporarily

FLANDERS: You have faith in that in that foolish father of yours?
LISA: Get out of my face you depressing fuck.
FLANDERS: Language! Spicy!

LISA: The Simpson family will be proud once again.
FLANDERS: You're blind to your inevitable doom
LISA: [spits at his feet] Fuck off!

HOMER: Marge?
MARGE: Why are you in the tub?
HOMER: this entire tub is actually a gravity bong
MARGE: Its three AM...
HOMER: I am stoned.

HOMER: I fashioned a bowl to this soda bottle.
MARGE: and?
HOMER: I light bud and lift it out of the water.
MARGE: A vacuum effect.

HOMER: Correct. This bottle fills with jaundiced smoke and I inhale it from our dirty bathwater

MARGE: That smoke is too yellow.
HOMER: Apu took a bath in here today
MARGE: that's potent
HOMER: Apu's filth carries weed to my lungs

FLANDERS: I thought that my good character could bring me happiness and love, but the world is unforgiving.

FLANDERS: Unconditional love does not exist. Love is only allowed once brutal greet has been sated. My lack of kind buds condemns me forever

FLANDERS: I understand that the world is like this... but why did everyone always tell me it wasn't? I wasn't prepared for this loneliness

FLANDERS: I resent homer and I try to foil his attempt to adopt a new boy... but why? Is it just sour grapes?

FLANDERS: At least Nelson wanted to be around him. I can't say the same for myself. Homer just learned the rules before me. That's all.

FLANDERS: I can't blame him. He's simply surviving, just like everyone else. His family may be in ruins, but at least he has a family.

FLANDERS: Meanwhile I sit alone on my shitty porch, smoking my shitty legal synthetic weed out of a shitty plastic gas station bong.

HOMER: [picks up phone] Hello?
FLANDERS: It's Flanders. I want to apologize.
HOMER: Fuck you.
FLANDERS: Please hear me out.

HOMER: What the hell do you want?
FLANDERS: I understand the way of the world now. I want to learn to be like you.
HOMER: What the fuck?

HOMER: Have you been smoking that gas station spice again?
FLANDERS: Yes but that's not relevant.
HOMER: I think it is.
FLANDER: Maybe a bit

FLANDERS: You buy affection with weed. I want to learn how to do that.
HOMER: It's not a good thing. You don't want this.
FLANDERS: I do.

HOMER: You're a good man, Flanders. Don't do this.
FLANDERS: I'm a piece of shit. I'm so lonely. I'm so god damn lonely, homer.

HOMER: Calm down. Come over. I'll smoke you out. We'll fix this.
FLANDERS: Thank you, Homer. Thank you so much. You're such a good friend.

FLANDERS: Thanks for letting me come over.
HOMER: Sure thing. Have a seat. You ever smoked blueberry kush?
FLANDERS: No. I smelled it before

HOMER: Know what your problem is? [takes huge hit]
FLANDERS: What?
HOMER: [holding in hit] You're too cynical

FLANDERS: What do you mean?
HOMER: [exhales in his face]
FLANDERS: [coughs heavily]

FLANDERS: How do you have so much weed?
HOMER: I just buy it with the money I make at my job from a weed dealer.
FLANDERS: It's that simple?

HOMER: What did you think was happening?
FLANDERS: I don't know
HOMER: OK. Hit this.

HOMER: And I didn't start buying weed to bribe my family into loving me. It turned into that, but at first, I just wanted to share with them

FLANDERS: How did it start?
HOMER: I guess I just realized it was easier for me to bring home a fat sack than to go to Bart's soccer games

HOMER: And they both got the same response. That's how it was for years in this family. Only now am I realizing what's wrong with that.

HOMER: Don't get me wrong, I'll blaze until the day I die.
FLANDERS: [exhaling blunt hit] Of course.

HOMER: But I feel like the foundation of love and support in this family was eroded by time, and replaced by weed.

HOMER: That foundation wasn't able to support Bart's deployment, Ken's incarceration, all the shit that's happened. So it crumbled.

HOMER: What I'm saying is, you can't build a strong family with marijuana alone.
FLANDERS: [holding in blunt hit] I think I understand.

FLANDERS: Where's your bathroom?
HOMER: [exhaling blunt hit] You've never pissed in my house?
FLANDERS: I guess not.
HOMER: Weird.

HOMER: Back of the hall on the left.
FLANDERS: OK I'll be right back.
HOMER: Hit this shit first.
FLANDERS: OK [takes huge hit]

HOMER: Flanders isn't so bad after all. He's very confused. Not that I have everything figured out. I'm glad I could help him.

FLANDERS: There was a bunch of dirty water and half a 2 liter bottle in your bathtub so I cleaned it up
HOMER: Are you kidding me

FLANDERS: What... What's wrong? Did I overstep a boundary?
HOMER: You fucked up my family's gravity bong you shmuck

MARGE: Homer? Do you know what happened to the gravity bong?
HOMER: Flanders drained it.
MARGE: What the fuck?
HOMER: I know.

HOMER: Please get out of my house, Ned.
FLANDERS: But what about our conversation?
HOMER: I meant it, but I can't look at you right now.

MARGE: I'm so glad he's gone
HOMER: He's such a fuck-up. But I feel bad for him.
MARGE: I hate when he's around
HOMER: He has problems too.

SMITHERS: Sir we found this man breaking into one of our grow houses. BENDER: Get your goddamn hands off me.

SMITHERS: Shall I call the authorities?
BURNS: Perhaps that isn't necessary. Let me have a word with him
SMITHERS: Ok

BURNS: Why did you come to this place boy? To get a free buzz off my glowing green bud?
BENDER: I am out of options. Sonic took everything.

BURNS: Sonic?
BENDER: I just wanted to sell my brick
BURNS: Sonic works for me
BENDER: I want to sell my brick and leave

BURNS: You sell for me now
BENDER: Please
BURNS: If you cherish your freedom you will comply.
BENDER: My clients can't afford kush

BURNS: Clients? Don't make me laugh.
BENDER: You are really not chill, do you even burn?
BURNS: I'm sober as shit

APU, hanging up phone: Homer just left me fifteen voice mails asking me to roll around outside and then come take a bath at his house

BART: [visibly high] Why do I wander this savage desert? To whom do I owe these violent acts? I used to be a peaceful American boy.

BART: I thought I was resigned to my role as an enforcer for our corrupt American oligarchy. As my weed tolerance shrinks, my doubts grow.

BART: The only thing keeping me here is the inertia of my crimes. The weight of the blood on my hands anchors me in this sea of sand.

BART: Perhaps I belong at home with my family. At least I would be among people who love me. But I have denied so many others that right.

BART: After taking the lives of so many fathers and brothers, do I deserve to return to my own?

BART: How can I face my mother when I have deprived so many mothers of their sons throughout this land? Do I still deserve that love?

BART: The marijuana helps me feel my guilt more intensely, but also causes me to doubt and process the guilt.

BART: I have found that Hindu Kush provides the most introspective and meditative high. It both activates and soothes the mind.

BURNS: This is a global operation. You chumps will make it big here
BENDER: Shove it
THE KRUSTY MIME: I'm in too deep. I gotta buy a nickel

BURNS: A fucking nickelbag?
KRUSTY: yeah.
BURNS: What is that like a sixth of a gram?
BENDER: It's two hits max. And I'm talking schwag.

KRUSTY: I didn't come here to be judged.
BURNS: You're insane.
KRUSTY: I only smoke fivebags
BURNS, aside: This is shady.

SMITHERS: let's go over the plan
BURNS: We have word that the Lebanese have engineered a strain that is white as paper
BENDER: Bullshit

SMITHERS: These nuggets are composed entirely of crystals
BURNS: If you smoke this pot, you will become emblazoned
SMITHERS: Blazed, sir.

TWIN 1: She's too good for our brown weed.
TWIN 2: She longs for the comfort of home and the firey dank her parents give her.

TWIN 1: The spoiled bourgeois girl needs fluffy purp
TWIN: She doesn't appreciate the comfortable, simple high of a dry brown nug

TWIN 1: She belongs with Marge and Homer
TWIN 2: She needs to blaze and with us she will only ever simmer

CARL: Does the boy drift homeward?
LENNY: Or deeper into violence, his own mind?
MOE: The broken family begins to stir.

BART: I'm going home.
CHENEY: You're doing nothing of the sort.
BART: Mr. Cheney, please, I--
CHENEY: You're not leaving the Middle East.

CHENEY: You signed a contract with the army. Ten years. Remember?
BART: Can't I just be dishonorably discharged?
CHENEY: Blood in, blood out

BART: What does that mean...?
CHENEY: It's simple. You kill for us, or you die.
BART: That wasn't in the contract.
CHENEY: It was implied.

CHENEY: You're too valuable here in Iraq and too risky to have back in the states
BART: I'm done killing. I want to go home to my family.

CHENEY: Unless your family lives at the bottom of a ditch in the Arabian Desert I suggest we end this conversation immediately.

BART: I want to talk to Bush. He's more chill.
CHENEY: Bush is in America
BART: I need to see that relaxed toker.

CHENEY: Don't you remember how you felt when the towers fell?
BART: It was terrible.
CHENEY: Yes... yes. Remember that feeling. Embrace it

BART: But you have me killing activists...poets...Why? What do they have to do with it?
CHENEY: [enraged] THEY HAVE EVERYTHING TO DO WITH IT

BART: You're a monster. A demented old monster.
CHENEY: I run this country. I run this fucking planet.
BART: You're fucking delusional

BART: You're just a murderer and a bully. You can't keep me here.
CHENEY: I can do whatever the fuck I want.
BART: No.

BART: [draws sidearm]
CHENEY: Fool...what are you doing? Do you know what will happen if---
BART: [points pistol at his foot, pulls trigger]

GUARDS: What happened?!
BART: Gah! I accidentally discharged my sidearm. Help... call a medic.
CHENEY: You fucking slime. You dog.

DOCTOR: The surgery went well, Bart. But I have bad news.
BART: Shit... What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: You won't be able to serve anymore.

BART: Christ... I have to go home?
DOCTOR: I'm afraid so.
BART: I'm going to miss being on the battlefield.
DOCTOR: I know, soldier.

[DOCTOR exits]
[CHENEY stands in the doorway, scowling. BART grins.]
BART: I guess this is "blood out"
CHENEY: You think this will work?

BART: It already did work you impotent old fuck. Your shitty heart won't last until Thanksgiving.
CHENEY: Fuck you.
BART: Get out of here

BART: I'm going home to my loving family. I'm going to smoke Bubba Kush every morning. Enjoy the prison you've built for yourself.

CHENEY: I love my life you miserable twerp
BART: You love nothing. Your soul is dead just like your worthless heart.
CHENEY: Fuck off

CARL: The boy is truly bound for home
LENNY: The wayward daughter also returns
MOE: The broken family, nearly reunited

MAGGIE: I've been listening to some stuff
MARGE: [picking out stems] Listening?
MAGGIE: Infowars

MARGE: Honey your eyes are so red
MAGGIE: My breathing is laboured
MARGE: Have a green hit.

MAGGIE: [exhales] I miss being a whole family
MARGE: Bush will get us all killed.
MAGGIE: I can't breathe

LISA: Why is CLOWN outside sobbing?
MARGE: getting into the game is rough in a guy
LISA: He turned down stems
MARGE: Hes going to lebanon

LISA: are we still talking about hash? I'm going back to my twin aunts.
MARGE: We lay off the brown brick
MAGGIE: Making hash is elaborate

MARGE: It's a long process
LISA: It hits like cinderblock
MAGGIE: Kush goes down like water
MARGE: These Pringles are fucking stale

MARGE: should we ask father to reopen the gazebo?
LISA: He is my father. You're the wife.
MARGE: Whoa. This must be pre-98 bubba kush

HOMER: shit
MARGE: Homer?
HOMER: I haven't fed the dog since 9/11
MARGE: Our innocence as a nation was lost that day

MAGGIE: I've been feeding the dog those chip crumbs you guys keep in the pantry
MARGE: what chip crumbs?
HOMER: You brat...that was kief

HOMER: You fed thirty years of kief to a filthy unloved animal
MARGE: I only have one daughter now
MAGGIE: I fucked up.

WIGGUM: The federal government is on my case now. Burns is doing something shady. I might have to crack down on this city's weed use.

OTHER COP: You smoke more than Homer.
WIGGUM: I can't touch Homer's skill. And it doesn't matter. We're cleaning this town up

OTHER COP: We could just arrest Bus Rocker, call it a day.
WIGGUM: and let Bender and Sonic rip our kids off with mids?

WIGGUM: This town is going dry. That's all there is to it. We've been playing around for too long.

WIGGUM: Our library hasn't been used in three years. We lead lives of hedonism that would make the Greeks blush. Endless tokes....

WIGGUM: Do you know what my kid said to me yesterday?
OTHER COP: No, sir.
WIGGUM: "I live to fill my bubbler with Baja Blast"

WIGGUM: Our chillness brought us together, but this town will end up dying. We are being strangled by orange hairs. It chokes life from us.

WIGGUM: Rainbows crossing through billows of haze. Dreams displayed and fulfilled for all to enjoy. But at the cost of our future.

WIGGUM: We are complacent in our rapid succession bong hits. The cooled smoke turns us into relaxed creatures of sinful habit.

WIGGUM: Tomorrow we are raiding Moe's bed and breakfast store.

BART: [on military transport plane] My shattered foot leads me homeward like a hobbled steed. What awaits me in that familiar place?

BART: I head towards a familiar place, but an unfamiliar situation. My shattered family slowly gravitates back towards that hazy gazebo.

BART: The gazebo of my father, who is the greatest weed smoker I have ever known. Yet I hesitate to name him the best man I have known.

BART: But what is a "great man?" A man who has done the most to change the world? By that criteria, Cheney is a great man.

BART: My father has not changed the world, but he has done no harm. He has smoked out hundreds of his weedless peers.

HOMER: [exhaling huge blunt it] It's so good to have you back, Bart
BART: I missed this place
HOMER: You need to hit this shit.

MARGE: Bart we missed you. We were smoking spice for awhile
HOMER: The boy doesn't need to hear about that
BART: Spice? What the hell?

BART: This family only smokes the finest herb. Why were you smoking legal gas station weed?
MARGE: All that matters is our son and this kush

MARGE: What was it like over there, Bart?
BART: ...
HOMER: Marge, the boy doesn't want to talk about it. Let him enjoy the blunt.

LISA: We missed you so much, Bart. Things got bad
HOMER: It wasn't that bad
LISA: [to Bart] We were smoking legal gas station weed.

BART: I know
LISA: You left us.
MARGE: He was defending his country
HOMER: There wouldn't even be weed if it wasn't for men like Bart

BART: I'm not a hero.
MARGE: Don't be modest. You killed bad men who wanted to hurt our country.
BART: It's more complex than that.

BART: The only heroic thing I did was getting Netanyahu arrested
MARGE: He's a friend of our country
HOMER: Israel is our ally, Bart

BART: It's more complex than that.
HOMER: We can't change the world... [hits blunt] So let's change the subject.
LISA: Good idea.

LISA: I just realized something.
MARGE: What is it, honey?
LISA: [smiling proudly] We've already smoked an ounce today

MARGE: This family is getting back on its feet.
LISA: I finally feel safe again.
HOMER: I'm so happy my son is home from the Middle East.

[MOE sits across a glass divider from KEN]
MOE: You fucked up, kid.
KEN: I know, Moe... I know.
MOE: I don't know if I can get you out

KEN: It was self defense. I swear, Moe
MOE: I know that. Try telling it to a jury. You got a reputation

KEN: I was just tryin' to do right by my family
MOE: Try telling that to a jury
KEN: They offered me a plea deal.

KEN: 7 years if I cop to assault with a deadly weapon. Eligible for parole after 3
MOE: What's your family gonna do for those 3 years?

MOE: You know Bart's home right? You think they'll remember your sorry ass when you get out?
KEN: Stop... please. No

MOE: You should be glad I even came down here. More than I can say for your father
KEN: He's busy.
MOE: Busy blazing kush with Bart

KEN: Why are you trying to turn me against my family?
MOE: You deserve better
KEN: I love them
MOE: They forgot about you

KEN: They have a lot going on
MOE: You don't?
KEN: Fuck you.
MOE: Ken--
KEN: Get out of here. Don't come back.

MOE: I'm your family now
KEN: You're a shitty old weed dealer
MOE: I have other stuff going on too
KEN: No you don't
MOE: Whatever

MOE: I'm leaving
KEN: Good
MOE: Enjoy prison
KEN: Fuck you.
MOE: See ya
KEN: Fuck off

FLANDERS: Hello Bart. You're a hero for our nation. I'm glad to see you home.
HOMER: Flanders, leave now. It's family time.
FLANDERS: Sorry

LISA: He's just here to blaze for free
FLANDERS: I wasn't planning on it but I can contribute a mango blunt wrap.
HOMER: Jesus Christ

MARGE: We're trying to reconnect with our damaged son.
FLANDERS: Maggie brought up bud, not me
HOMER: That's Lisa
LISA: He's faded on spice

FLANDERS: Can I just sit here in the smokey gazebo? I don't need to take a hit.
BART: This is really sad.
HOMER: He's like this now.

HOMER: He drained a 4 day gravity bong
BART: You serious?
FLANDERS: I'm sorry
HOMER: He's out of control
FLANDERS: Sorry

FLANDERS: I just want to be loved
BART: I didn't fight in Iraq for this
FLANDERS: I want weed and a family of my own
HOMER: Calm down

FLANDERS: I think this spice was laced
MARGE: Chevron didn't lace your K2
BART: Is he serious?
HOMER: Yep

BART: Why are you like this, Flanders?
FLANDERS: Please. I respect you. Don't do this to me?
BART: Why did you drain my father's grav bong?

LISA: We can't handle you right now, Flanders
HOMER: He can't even handle himself
FLANDERS: I just want to hotbox
BART: Be gone.

MARGE: This is so intrusive, Ned.
LISA: He doesn't have a family so he doesn't know what it's like
HOMER: OK that's kind of harsh.

HOMER: Flanders is a nuisance but he has a pure heart
LISA: I agree with the first part of that sentence.
BART: He's got to go

FLANDERS: [desperately inhaling the secondhand weed smoke]
BART: This is grim.
MARGE: There's no THC in that smoke. He's wasting his time.

HOMER: He's making a fool of himself.
LISA: He always does.
BART: He has a problem. There's something wrong with his mind.

FLANDERS: I'm sorry about the bathtub.
HOMER: It was a gravity bong.
FLANDERS: I'm sorry about the gravity bong.
HOMER: It's not about that.

HOMER: You're upsetting my family and ruining my son's return home from the military.
FLANDERS: I wanted to pay my respects.

HOMER: You've paid your respects, so much so that we've lost almost all respect for you. Take what's left and go home. Go to bed.

FLANDERS: I'm going home now. I'm sorry
LISA: You're sorry alright
HOMER: That's enough, Lisa
BART: He makes me sick
FLANDERS: I'm going

BART: I didn't fight in Iraq for this.
MARGE: We know, Bart. We know
BART: Ridiculous.
HOMER: He's a ridiculous man.

LISA: I wish he was dead
MARGE: Lisa! Too much!
BART: Don't talk like that, Lisa. Death is serious.
HOMER: She's a rude girl sometimes

HOMER: I just realized my bread is almost done. I'll be right back.
BART: He bakes now?
MARGE: He's really good at it.

BART: So much has changed.
MARGE: We've been through a lot, Bart.
BART: I've changed.
LISA: We still love you.

BART: You don't know what I've done.
MARGE: I don't need to know. You're my son.
BART: [hits the blunt] Cool.

HOMER: Hot pans coming through. Clear a space. Move that candle. [Homer sets two loaf pans on the wrought iron cafe table]

HOMER: This one is zucchini-pumpkin, that one is banana.
BART: Zucchini-pumpkin?! Gourmet chef Homer!
HOMER: [blushing] It's just a hobby

MARGE: It's not just a hobby. He's really good
BART: Dad, this is incredible. I'm going to gain back all the weight I lost in the army.

BART: I would order this at a restaurant. I'm serious.
HOMER: Thanks. I've been working on my recipes a lot lately.

BART: Dad, I gotta ask... Is there herb in this bread?
MARGE: He doesn't do that
HOMER: My cooking and my blazing are completely separate

MARGE: It's healthy to have a hobby. An outlet for your frustrations and pain
BART: Mom...
MARGE: I'm just saying, Bart.

BART: The things I've seen, the pain I feel... Baking bread isn't going to help that.
MARGE: You could write about it.

BART: How do you write about things so horrifying you can't even describe them?
MARGE: I'm just trying to help.
HOMER: Leave the boy alone

MARGE: I'm his mother
HOMER: He was a soldier. He'll always carry that with him
BART: He's right

BART: I appreciate you trying to help, but I'm not ready yet. Maybe one day. In the meantime I just want to blaze and eat this banana bread

LISA: The heart wants what it wants.
BART: And this bong wants to get packed to the brim with fluffy purple kush. Let's do this.

LISA: Is this the blueberry kush?
HOMER: It's called "Grape Ape"
MARGE: It's fire.
LISA: I'm glad we're a family again

BART: We were too hard on Flanders
HOMER: He has to learn
MARGE: He drained the gravity bong.
BART: He didn't know

MARGE: It was a seasoned grav bong. The water was dark yellow.
BART: He meant no harm. We should invite him back over for a toke.

FLANDERS: I'm so grateful to be hitting this piece with your family
HOMER: Act like you've been there before
BART: Calm down, Flanders

LISA: He's coughing up a lung!
FLANDER: Sorry
MARGE: Do you need some water?
FLANDER: I don't usually smoke buds of this quality

HOMER: It hits hard.
FLANDER: I'm already blazed.
HOMER: You done hitting this?
FLANDER: No give me another hit.
LISA: He's a masochist.

FLANDER: Can I have some of this bread?
HOMER: That's for my family.
BART: Come on, Flanders, don't eat the bread
FLANDERS: It's so good

[FLANDERS grunts and exhales a huge hit through a mouthful of banana bread]
BART: This was a mistake

LISA: He's disgusting.
BART: I'm sorry. I'm trying to be more compassionate.
HOMER: It's not your fault. It's his fault. He's an awful man.

BART: I love getting high with my family more than anything. But a darkness still lurks inside me. I feel like I don't belong here.

HOMER: What's that, Bart?
BART: Nothing.
LISA: Flanders is making a mess of the gazebo. There are crumbs everywhere.

BART: I think this relaxing time spent chiefing kind buds with with my family may only be a temporary calm before my inevitable collapse.

BART: Guys, I'm kind of tired. Think I'm going to go to bed.
HOMER: Good idea. I think we've all had enough fun for one day.
LISA: I'm beat.

MARGE: Everybody grab a dish or a bong. Let's go inside.
[From the shadows across the street, MOE watches the family enter the house]

MOE: They don't know what they have. They don't know what they've lost. [takes last hit of blunt, tosses it onto street]

MOE: How I've longed for a son like Ken. Yet these fools let him rot in prison. Alone, all alone. He pushes me away, but he will understand.

WIGGUM: The feds are breathing down my neck
BURNS: What do you want me to do?
WIGGUM: You have connections.

BURNS: Not in the FBI
WIGGUM: Fuck... Fuck...
BURNS: Calm down. You need to hit this. It's called drips
SMITHERS: Dabs, sir. Not even close

WIGGUM: My son is going to grow up without a father. I'm his fucking hero, do you understand? And I'm headed to prison
BURNS: Not my problem

WIGGUM: After all the times I bailed your guys out of drug trafficking charges
BURNS: And I'm grateful for that. But I can't help you.

WIGGUM: My son... my family...
BURNS: Maybe you should have thought about that before you dishonored your badge so profoundly.

WIGGUM: You asked me to
BURNS: Yes. YOU. YOU. And YOU did what I asked. And now YOU will face the consequences. Good day, Officer Wiggum

WIGGUM: Please...
BURNS: I can give you my lawyer's business card. That will be the extent of my assistance in this matter.

LENNY: The pig's actions are catching up with him.
CARL: Our humble town will become smokeless
MOE: Could this be my final joint?

HOMER: [hits the blunt, passes it to MARGE]
MARGE: [hits the blunt]
HOMER: [exhales blunt hit]
MARGE: [exhales blunt hit]
HOMER: I love Bart

BART: I'm ashamed of my actions. I've killed so many people. Each memory is a nightmare that follows me like a shadow. [exhales blunt hit]

HOMER: [hits blunt] My family is nearly reunited but our recent traumatic experiences still distance us from one another [exhales blunt hit]

BART: I don't deserve to be alive.

BART: I wish I could believe in hell so I could know I'd end up there. I wish I could believe in anything but death. I belong in hell.

BART: My mind is a mass grave.

BART: Every moment is a nightmare.

BART: [exhales massive hit of blueberry kush]

LISA: My brother despairs. His crimes weigh heavy on his mind. He will not accept our forgiveness. There is a darkness in him.

HOMER: Outwardly my son appears content to blaze and relax with his family. But there is a shadow in his eyes. He is not really home.

MARGE: Wheres the grinder?
LISA: In the bathroom
MARGE: Why?
LISA: Nevermind it's in the freezer for some reason
HOMER: It activates the THC

MARGE: That makes sense
LISA: Is that true?
BART: [exhales blunt hit] I've heard that before. I think it's true
HOMER: It's true

HOMER: It crystallizes it... makes it stronger
MARGE: That makes sense
HOMER: Why would I make that up

LISA: [hits blunt] Did you freeze this bud? It's potent.
HOMER: You only freeze the grinder. If you freeze the nugs it kills the molecules.

LISA: [exhales blunt hit] That makes sense.
HOMER: Yeah.
BART: [hits blunt] I'm craving eggs for some reason.
MARGE: We're out of eggs.

BART: All I know is, I'm blazed out of my mind.
LISA: Let's try to smoke another ounce today
HOMER: I could do that on my own

HOMER: I don't want to go to work today. I'm too high. I'd rather spend time with my beautiful family. I want to smoke an ounce of kush.

[int. Gazebo]
HOMER: Bart?
BART: Don't worry, Apu is on his way.
HOMER: Apu can finally feel safe.
BART: Can apu hit the grav bong?

HOMER: Apu's going to think he's smoking his own sweaty bath water
BART: How yellow was it?
HOMER: It looked toxic.

HOMER: Apu's bath water looked toxic but it went down like Arizona chilled tea
BART: Did it hasten the process by which THC affects you?

HOMER: I don't want to talk about it. That water is gone.
BART: That's fine, father.
APU: I'm here for a dub, I'll smoke it at home.

BART: Sit with us.
HOMER: Sit down with my family, I'll smoke you up for free.
APU: I have my own money, and my own family.

HOMER: Just sit down.
BART: Sit down in between us.
APU: That space is only big enough for a small child.
BART: Smoke with us.
HOMER: C'mon

APU: Fine.
BART: Hit this crystal bong. My only spoil of war.
APU: This bong is fucked up on so many levels
HOMER: It hits like a dream

BART: It will make you really high.
APU: I haven't smoked in three hours.
BART: I'll help you clear your hit.
APU: Thanks.
HOMER: Apu?

APU: What?
HOMER: Why are you avoiding eye contact with me?
APU: You're licking your lips a lot.
HOMER: They're dry
APU: It's creepy.

HOMER: I can't stop.
APU: They're really chapped and scabby.
HOMER: So?
APU: I want to use a different piece.
BART: We're using this one.

APU: I don't want to.
BART: Smoke this scabby bong.
APU: No.
BART: It makes you higher.
APU: That makes no fucking sense.

HOMER: Sorry that my fucking flesh isn't good enough for you?
APU: Nobody would want to do this.
MAGGIE: I want a hit, pronto.
HOMER: Hey

MAGGIE: This bong makes me higher, it's from my dad's THC-encrusted lips
BART: I can't stop hitting this smelly weed.

MAGGIE: Is it the weed that smells? Or the top of the bong?
BART: This bong is turning brown from Homer's dirty mouth

HOMER: Am I ruining an ancient piece?
BART: You're making it better.
APU: I've yet to get high.
BART: Hit this.

APU: I don't want to. I'm leaving. I'll go through your living room to say bye to Lisa.
BART, to homer: Lock the fucking doors.

HOMER: Apu. You're not leaving my pink house until you hit this.
APU: It's really nasty and so fucking weird.
BART: Try to leave. I dare you

MAGGIE: We're keeping you here until you're high enough to be happy for one fucking second.
APU: I'm happy around my real family

HOMER: This is your real family. Does your wife toke with you?
APU: She cleans our pieces
HOMER: That's a waste. Take a hit.
APU: No.

APU: If I take a hit from this brown-tinged bong can I leave?
BART: Yes
HOMER: Yes. But you won't want to.
APU: I think I will. [grabs bong]

APU: [exhales] The rim of the bong stuck to my lips a little bit.
BART: Now we have your skin on it too
APU: It tastes like sewage

HOMER: That's just rude.
APU: Nothing you guys do is normal. I'm out.
BART: Bye you ungrateful bum
APU: I'm going to be sick

BART: I'm going outside.
HOMER: 'zebo?
BART: Yeah. I'm rolling an L
HOMER: I'll be out in a second. I need water. My lips are infected.

BART: Maggie, you need to take deeper tokes.
MAGGIE: It makes me cough
BART: Just breathe in deeper and hold it, coughing makes you higher

MAGGIE: How come unsanitary things make weed so much better?
BART: I'm not a fucking scientist. Shut your mouth and pass the blunt.

LISA: I'm high too. Just kidding. Pass it.
BART: I haven't gotten a second hit.
LISA: I haven't gotten a first.
MAGGIE: I'm already good.

LISA: I still dream about spice. Let me hit that weed.
BART: Sometimes, I think of you hitting spice, and I get so mad that I have to smoke

LISA: You're always smoking.
BART: I'm always mad.
LISA: You smoked long before I hit spice.
BART: So? I wanted to kill myself.

LISA: You never told us why.
BART: I was sober.
LISA: So?
BART: Do you need to hear more? I was sober for 8 years. I wanted to die.

LISA: You were 8 years old.
BART: There's more to it than that.
LISA: Like?
BART: I'll tell you if I can actually get a fucking hit today

HOMER: Guys. Leave Bart alone. And roll a second blunt. Father is here now.
LISA: I love my toking father.

HOMER: Apu isn't responding to his texts.
BART: Lately, Flanders has filled the role of Apu.
HOMER: [exhales] Apu is lame now

MAGGIE: Look at this
LISA: What the fuck is that?
MAGGIE: A giant flying fox. A type of bat. It's called a "megabat"
LISA: That's horrifying

BART: Stop showing us these weird rodent pictures on your phone.
LISA: I like my new smartphone
BART: Turn it off

HOMER: I always thought that I'd die from some kind of rodent.
LISA: Bats aren't rodents.
HOMER: That shit looks like any other rat

MAGGIE: Sorry for using your phone for this, sister.
LISA: It's why I got it.
BART: Shut your mouths and smoke

HOMER: I'm too high to look at this shit. I need to go outside.
MAGGIE: Did I upset you, father?
HOMER: I hate you kids sometimes

BART: Dad things bats are rodents.
LISA: I pissed him off.
MAGGIE: I started it.
HOMER: Just shut the fuck up please

HOMER: They shouldn't be able to fly. They have normal bones.
BART: Birds can fly because of their hollow bones. Bats have normal ones.

LISA: So bats aren't birds?
MAGGIE: I think they're bugs
BART: They eat bird bones, that helps them stay in the air.
HOMER: Obviously

CARL: Will a bat carry the world on its wings?
CARL: It's small body has a fierce passion.
BART: Why are you in our gazebo?
HOMER: Ew

LISA: Who the fuck is that guy?
MAGGIE: Call the cops.
CARL: Wait I'm sor-
HOMER: He's still talking.
BART: He speaks nonsense.

HOMER: Where is my wife
CARL: The beautiful Simpson wife invited me into your stoner's paradise.
BART: This guy is obnoxious
HOMER: I'm high

LISA: I'm really nervous. This guy is just staring into space.
HOMER: His eyes are glazed over
BART: He's probably high.
CARL: I fucked up.

HOMER: I saw this guy at work. He was sitting alone in a closet rolling Js out of sandpaper
BART: He's probably psychotic.

HOMER: You're in my gazebo, uninvited. You can either start smoking, and stop talking, or leave with the authorities.
CAR: ....

BART: This is a nightmare. I'm going skating.
LISA: Can I tag along?
BART: Can you leave me the fuck alone and let me grind in piece?

BART: I want to die more than anything.

MOE: That fucking Homer only ever invites apu to his house. Never room for me.
BARNEY: Marge was always nice to you
MOE: Marge....

MOE: Marge can smoke like the rest of the guys
BARNEY: She smokes weed in order to become stoned and hungry
MOE: a green Venus

FLANDERS: I disagree with Islam.
BART: What do you know about it?
FLANDERS: I just don't like it.
BART: That's idiotic.

HOMER: I'm so tired. Instead of sleeping I'm going to smoke some more green. I know it's unhealthy but I can't stop. I love smoking weed.

HOMER: I am a drug addict.

HOMER: I've denied it for decades but I know it's true.

HOMER: I need help with my drug problem. I can't control myself. I'm a weed smoking machine.

HOMER: No matter what I'm doing, I'm always chasing that next nug.

HOMER: Weed smoke clouds every memory and experience. My life is a waking dream.

HOMER: I wanted to be an artist once. Now I mechanically pursue the means to stay blazed. I am a slave to this wicked plant.

HOMER: Movies, TV, music, "Stoner culture"...They sanction and glorify full blown drug addiction. I didnt realize this until it was too late

HOMER: I need to take a walk.
[Scene: Simpson blvd.]
SKINNER: Hey Homer. You look...sober?
HOMER: I'm going through some shit

SKINNER: Toke with me?
HOMER: Nah but...what's that? A blunt?
SKINNER: It's a Swisher sweet.
HOMER: Lemme hit that

HOMER, exhaling: This shit taste like gumdrop pillows.
SKINNER: They cost two dollars a pack
HOMER: I love this already

HOMER: I'm inhaling the smoke all the way into my lungs, holding it in and then exhaling.
SKINNER: Don't do that.
HOMER: Too late.

HOMER: I'm going to buy a pack.
SKINNER: I think you should chill with bud
HOMER: I literally need more Swishers to stay "okay".

[Int. Apu's shoppe]
HOMER: Hey man.
APU: Uh... hey.
HOMER: You lose your phone?
APU: no....why
HOMER: ...

HOMER: Just give me a pack of your sweetest swishers.
APU: Why are your eyes white?
HOMER: Swishers, please.
APU: Okay.

APU: Homer is a lonely guy. He's been through hell. Maybe I've been an asshole. He makes me really uncomfortable though.

APU: He's kind to me in a weird way. But his scabs and odor get to me. I can't believe I bathed in his pink house.

APU: Maybe I should stop by.

MARGE, picking up phone: Hello?
MOE: Hey marge.
MARGE: Hey....what's wrong?
MOE: Just wanted to see how you're doing
MARGE: I'm high

MOE: I'd like to get some of your bud
MARGE: This household is weird today. Homer hasn't smoked for hours.
MOE: I'll come toke

MARGE: That'd be nice, moe.
MOE: Yeah....
MARGE: Youll get greens
MOE: No shit I'll get greens are you kidding me?

HOMER: Ah man...Burns' plant. Haven't been here in a while. I'll pop in.
BURNS: Look what Marley dragged in.
HOMER: What the fuck

HOMER: Don't take Bob's name in vein.
BURNS: Fuck yourself, stoner. You haven't been to work in a year.
HOMER: You son of a bitch

BURNS: You're smoking an M right now.
HOMER: It's an "L", first of all, secondly this is a weedless cigarillo.
BURNS: It smells like pie

HOMER: This shit taste like dental bill debt
BURNS: You're an addict.
HOMER: I'm off weed now. This is enough for me.

BURNS: Did you come here to blow smoke in my face?
HOMER: I came here to think.
BURNS: Ah, but not to work. Never to work.
HOMER: Scrub off

BURNS: What?
HOMER: Sorry. I quit three hours ago. I'm still low.
BURNS: I don't know what that means.
HOMER: Post-emblazoned
BURNS: ah

BURNS: You could have had it all here, Homer.
HOMER: I don't want it.
BURNS: You don't know what goes on behind the scenes
HOMER: You push.

HOMER: We all know you sell weed.
BURNS: How..
HOMER: Sonic has loose lips.
BURNS: Not about his father.
HOMER: True. He misses him.

BURNS: That kid needs to see someone.
HOMER: That kid needs to get beat up
BURNS: Be nice.
HOMER: He's a prick.

BURNS: Before you go, I have an offer for you.
HOMER: What?
BURNS: I need someone to sell for me.
HOMER: I don't carry brick anymore.

BURNS: This isn't brick. It's smaller scale.
HOMER: No hash? no kush?
BURNS: Seeds and stems.
HOMER: What?

BURNS: We need someone on the elementary school front.
HOMER: You want me to sell stems to children?
BURNS: They'll buy anything.

BURNS: We package them in empty Doritos bags and sell them in the woods.
HOMER: Why empty Doritos bags?

BURNS: They can chow on the flavor dust when they're high.
HOMER: ...that's torture.
BURNS: They like it.
HOMER: They don't know any better.

BURNS: It's called project Plaseedbo and it works wonders.
HOMER: These kids need real pot.
BURNS: And you don't?
HOMER: I'm different.

BURNS: Take it or leave it, Simon.
HOMER: It's Simpson.
BURNS: Seeds and stems my boy. Seeds and stems.
HOMER: Fuck off

MOE: Marge. It's been so long.
MARGE: Last time I saw you, you were drunk and your balls were hanging out.
MOE: I fucked up

MARGE: We all do. Have some hash.
MOE: I can't smoke brown stuff. It will make me couch locked.
MAGGIE: This is good hash, though.

MOE: Just give me a hit of your lightest green shit. Sativa shit for me.
MARGE: Here you go man.
MOE: I'm high just looking at this